I can't.

right now.
in terms of perception, I am negative.
I realized this: I can't stand the thought of being alone.
Common right?
Add this: I'd rather lie then admit I am alone.
And this: When people say they're there for me and that I'm not alone, its when I feel the most alone.

Cliche? probably.
But I am sick of it. Plus I am annoyed when I hear, "Oh, its only high school."
I don't care WHEN this is taking place, its the fact that it is.
Really? Do I think it's going to change?
Honestly in my gut, no.
Talk about optimism.

You're friends will change, so you shouldn't spend time mending those wounds or taking time to make things right or something?
Well here's the thing, its not those wounds I intend on stitching up, it's my own.
I know I hurt myself more than you could ever hurt me. (or maybe the hurt from you is already done. dead and gone.)
I put myself down more than you put me down.

"I stopped caring"
That is not the problem for me.
The problem is that I care too much.
But I try not to.
I want to not care.
I want to let go.
But I can't.
I can fake it for as long as I want.
I know the person I'm lying to is only myself.



I struggle looking back.
I sound like a fucking depressed emo child with no one to turn to.
The thing is, there is no one I want to turn to. No one really anyways that I feel would just listen and take it in and try to help. They just say, I'm crazy.
I don't want to look back at the stupid things I've done.
Those times where I made pretty minor judgment or jumped into things I shouldn't have.
Even those little things, where I should have bitten back my tongue.
I blocked a lot of it out of my mind.
I lied to myself in my head.
I cried myself to sleep.
and no, it has gotten me nowhere.

So this is where I lie.
It's like there's a thread out there.
and I want you to find that thread that leads to me.
Find me.
and then, let me trust you.
Can I trust you?

I know I need to change.
But I don't know how.
And my ignorance/stubbornness
can get the best of me at times.
When I want help, I don't want help from you.
When I don't want help, I simply don't want help.
I simply hate everything.
and if you do, indeed think hate is a strong word, think of how often most of us throw the word "love" around. No, I don't think using hate is that strong anymore, just like I don't think love is either. (even though I wish it were and I have tried to minimize the usage of both words, like throw them around less only to feel more anger in me... )
So no, maybe it isn't hate. (This is the self-doubt.) Maybe it is in fact just a temporary dislike for people, but is it?
When I "hate" everything, I know the only thing I want is to be cared for.
I long for someone's warmth.
Someone's arms to wrap.
Someone's trust.
Someone I can feel safe with.

I'm ridiculous.
I don't care anymore.
I know I am.


I know- "Iris, then do something about it."
But.
But what?
What is the "something?"
and what do I want to do with it?
It's like compiling a list.
Only, the list is in my head
and is only triggered in times of despair or stress.

I bite on my tongue.
I get anxious trying to be something
that just doesn't feel right.
But it is something I've been doing for... ever.
What would be "wrong?"
Not striving for what I want.


I'm sorry.
-Iris

Merry Christmas!

I made crepe's this morningg with my new crepe maker (:
yeah, I was excited.

How has your Christmas been?

When things are supposed to be happy

I'll try to take a mild understanding when I'm almost bipolar and somewhat insane.

Its the day before Christmas. Things should be happy right?
This year we didn't set up our tree, we didn't put up decorations.
Maybe that is it, but I'm not feeling the holiday spirit.
This year, Christmas only feels like a time to spend money and give people things.
(granted I'm not very religious at all, and I don't really take in the real meaning of Christmas I guess.. :/ )
It doesn't feel like its anything good.
Like you spend spend spend. and for what?
There are bigger things than that, why are we so focused on it then?

Oh, and the house it getting like redone.. ugh the office, living room are getting hardwood. then after that its guna be the rest of the 2nd floor flooors, and then the foyer then kitchen I think :[ and ... this willll last longer than this break. its not really that great. I mean, I guess I'll look forward to how it all turns out, but as for now, i like the house the way it is, Im used to it.


I've been feeling really lonely lately. Friend stuff has been dull. (and no, i'm not really sure how to say it. ) I feel like the people I am good friends with and the people I should trust, I don't want to. They're boring and not fast-paced enough for me... but they're my friends.
and then the friends that are fast-paced enough for me and exciting, I don't feel like they're smart and honestly I feel like hanging out with them does have a chance for the police to question what they are doing (uh stupid things -.- )
so how do you balance that? I mean, the good friends, are the good people that actaully have a chance of going somewhere in life. but honestly, out of the whole school life and stuff, they kind of bore me. they make me wanna go jump off a bridge with the amount of ignorance and immaturity they display at times. Then the other friends, simply their cockyness and ways, just makes me feel like i'm not going anywhere when I hang out with them (long term thinking)
wordd.
don't know.

Friends aren't ever really friends anyways. I just try to rely on myself, but honestly it gets a bit cramped sometimes, and I just want someone to listen. and I know i have people there that want to be there for me, but those are probably the same people I push away for some reason because I have stupid fucking stupid trust issues and dont want to risk someone getting hurt or angry because most people cant handle me. hell i can barely handle me. then ppl are like well maybe its you that needs to change
well realize this, my self esteem and stuff is already in the shitter (this can be totally questionable, I have my good bad and horrible days.) how do i change that? -.-
and then, I've become more ridiculous in what i want and stuff, I'm very demanding. I realize that... gggggahh, I dont know, I just need to like shutup and have nothought.
how weird would that be, a day without emotional thoughts.
Just do as your told, like I wish there were days I just worked in Auto. I would care less.
but i guess a big part of just being a nice normal -ish person is having a bit of everything (for personality.. never the extremes. only.. my thoughts normally cover the extremes. like either i'm super demanding and ask for a lot, or ask for nothing and hush up kinna thing. haha >.< )
I mean yeah, LOL its funny and stuff, but its really ridiculous and annoying. so yeah, i do find myself annoying.
and yeah sometimes even I feel like I talk just to hear myself talk. or maybe its in hopes to be heard.
or.. something like that.

I do just want to escape
or meet someone that could be like my bestt frenn and itd be cool and exciting and successful and all that. lol that'd be bundles of fun.

anyways, I'm super bored
its the morning of the eve of christmas
(yeah get that. lol)

night everyone I'll probably update more..
there's a lot on my mind and... i guess i do need a way to say things or like get them off my mind. or try to.

blahhh

gone?

I always wonder what happens to them after we loose touch.
you, you moved on.
I'm happy you did.
I'm happy you have.
but... what if I just miss you?
You were someone, I know you had stronger feelings toward me than what I had to you.
You were willing to do.. so much to get to me (think of the song by Train) or you'd swim the ocean for me (Metro Station)
The days I was your Konstantine?
I was something that in reality you'd swear.
(baha all the puns I'm throwing in. since when did I do that?)
You taught me something.
You taught me I could be cared for
and in time, I could trust someone.
and some people do amuse me and keep me interested.
In a way, I am glad we fell apart. With time, we ended.. we drifted.
Do I miss you?
I miss your comfort.
No, I dont wish you were mine. I never thought of you as mine. When I heard you had someone else, I felt relief... but what was the other part of me thinking?
gosh, I don't even know.
Maybe, I just miss those times with you, and I know my time is gone. but... i don't want my time to be back, it was short-lived.. but it lasted just long enough to show both of us enough.

Hmph.
for those times before, thanks for putting a smile on my face
I liked that.

for the times to come, best of luck to you
maybe we'll meet in another life (Ohhhhh Lost (; )


haha man, you came across my mind. Something MIGHT have been in the back of my head for awhile.... yeah
I hope you read this, if you don't I'll be sure to bring it up with you :P


*question I ask while reading this. have I moved on?
Yeah, I think I have. this just came across my mind when I saw an update on your via Twitter. Lol worrrdddd.
I mean, I know what we were, and what we did and things happened, we kept going learning from what we did or .. yeah.

K I WANT SLEEEEEEP
ugh UCS giving us TWO days of school.. break starts after tuesday.

if you can breathe and relax, then breathe and relax.

Updating has been pretty low for me lately.
I've been really busy with school, holiday activities, volunteering, keeping up on grades, and piano.
Lacking a social life too. haha I have no idea what's going on over break as of right now. a lot of friends are going out of town (or one-- kp-- is already halfway around the world in freaking australiaaaa! I told her to bring me back an accent :P)

Yesterday I had a paper to finish for APgov as well as a math test (part one) and chem test and a french outline due today.
Tomorrow I have part 2 of the math test. Right now, I'm trying to study, but really?! if someone wants to explain to me what x is when the equation reads arccos x +arctan x= 11pi/12 or arcsin 2x+arcsin x = pi/2 let me know -.-
This weekend- no idea, but I dont really want to bum around at home seeing as the past 2 weekends I've been busy with piano andd oh what was it the weekend before? probably piano again and shopping.

I hope 2009 has been a good year for you, full of happy memories, and lessons learned. Who knows if I will update before the end of the year, so for now I wish you all a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays andd a Happy New Year

Christmas Tree- Lady Gaga




LOL if you haven't heard it already. ENJOY!

Actaully I probably will post something before the end of the year, I like reflecting. and this year seemed to be a challenge to get through, so why not reflect and see what I've learned, yahearr?

Try to relax when you can; it IS the holidays so just.. be happy, be nice, be giving to yourself and to others and stay outta trouble.
No drunk drivingg.
or texting while driving.
or smoking in public places! (yay for the law passed in MI finally!)

What happened to October anyways?

I'll talk later.
Here's an idea of what's been going on.


Decorating the morning of homecoming 2009. Survivor themed.


me and chelsea's "couples" photo.


Sophomore, sophomore, me and emily (oh dinner was catering in emilia's garage. it looked fantastic) (and I don't know what that glare on my neck is..)


I didn't take my camera on the dance floor. This was at the after party. It says cool. haha


After I apologized to Ryan Miller (yes it was a sincere apology for getting all b@*#$& faced at him)
We were okay. My thumbs are sooo weird.. oh right so is my face SORRRY.


The girls, after slaughter at Sundown. Taco Bell most def.


All the teams in the road rally- minus one.


Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeen


Fall training! (:

okay so that waas pretty much the month of october.
but... we're in november.
booh. later.

oh sad thing though
I LOVE NOVEMBER 11. (11.11)?
so I was waiting to make a wish that night (11/11 11:11)
I fell asleep at 10:50
wahhhh >.< story of my life :P


How's it been for you? you been good?

-Iris

OCT31.2009

I LOVED HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR.
weekend was amazing.
No school tomorrow.
:]
KBYE

BAM! &happiness. Does this come in a bottle?

it's interesting how one or two people can instantly change my mood. put them in the same vicinity and BAM. its like instant happiness. lol
Nina and Joe. thanks for that. I needed that today.
(:

hurt comes back.

Remember all that time you just kept to yourself to avoid not getting hurt.
and then next thing you know
it all comes back to you
whether its 6 years, 9 months or 3 weeks ago
you're surprised it came back.
How did you get back in?
I wanted you to be far far away.
I never wanted to hear from you again.
and now, you're back.
and tears fall down my face.
You, who offered me the world, and so much more
you found a way to hurt me.

I want to be left alone.

I am not one of those people who love themselves for one reason or another. I struggle with myself and everyone around me to find a place where I fit in. this is a constant struggle. I keep things to myself, realizing that no one would be able to make a difference either way. It's the outside. It's the inside. Either way, it hurts and this pain, doesn't seem to stop.
I cover it up, everyday, or find something that fills its gap. Maybe its love, maybe its loneliness, whatever it is, I hide it. Maybe I see it like a flaw, something I can't fix. I want to get rid of it. I want to fill it. It's the feeling of being unsatisfied. No matter how far I try to excel, it gets me nowhere. That feeling of achievement never comes. No matter how much I do to please you, it isn't enough to reach your level of satisfaction. I'm left with no feeling of content. No help, no use, gone.
I have problems. I have dropped bits and pieces of it along the way, but no one knows it all. Maybe I'm happy having it that way. Maybe I hate it. I don't like the idea of someone knowing everything about me unless if I know they will stick around. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.
What do you expect me to do? Stay home and study. FUCK OFF. I want to live a little bit. I don't want to be nailed to my desk and piano bench and confined to it. I am not someone that hangs around with all girls either, except that some of my friends are guys. Except that I'm not content with my life. Dammit, be there for me.
But I just push you away.

Its like empty tears.
Why am I crying.
again.

If you expected me to go out tonight, and I told you I would find something to do, you make a whole bitchfit when I tell you that a friend can drive or pick me up. Why? dad's available, he can drive its convenient. Why can't I drive with my friends instead of being stuck with you feeling uncomfortable like everything I do is just WRONG.

FUCK OFF. seriously. that's it
Leave me alone.
Let me be.

hell no.
that will
never happen

your feeling of content will never get us anywhere. It holds me back. It suffocates me.
So maybe times, I'd rather be dead than have to bear through these feelings.

just those times, when I want to be a normal kid with normal mediocre feelings and mediocre standards, I want to be able to do what I want.
fuck it.
it doesn't matter anyways.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT -.-

leave me alone.
I want to delete this.
shutup.

and he said, "Let's play a game."

This weekend has been the greatest in soo long. (minus 2 details. 1 death, and 1 where are you?)
Yesterday me and some friends went to Slaughter at Sundown. Where everyone around me endured a night full of sexual comments and singing random songs.
(walking through a haunted house telling ppl "I'M IN MIAMI.. *BITCH")
and then going on the hayride telling those ppl they had herpes, they were too short, introducing myself as Nicole, that goes to Eisenhower, asking them if they were horny, telling them to bite me... and it went on.
Afterwards, we journeyed to TACO BELL. where we met up with Christos. Our conversation became too noisy and we were warned that if we didn't keep our voices down, we would be kicked out.
We decided to leave, and went to explore the aisles of Wal-Mart. We found nothing interesting but a cute older man buying alcohol. I say cute as in, Can you bring me home with you?, cute.
Jake and I creeped on the older men.
We soon needed something to do. (and they say I have ADD) so we drove on to my house.


like how formal I made that all sound? or tried.
I'm still not thinking straight.

and then tomorrow. well its monday
and it is going to be cold.
its guna suck.
its guna be monday why else?

so I hope everyone had an exciting weekend.
Those who went to homecoming, I hope you had a great homecoming.

so now, I think I'm going to take a hot shower and jump into my warm bed.



*THIS POST has been edited and excludes some thoughts. kay peace.

I don't know where you are right now..
but I will remember all that you taught me.
I love you.

Heaven Can Wait

Stay with me.

Tonight's guna be a good night.?

I just got back from decorating the school for Homecoming tonight! It looks sickk (: I had a great idea, and we used it and it really loooks great and adds to it. yeah I had a monster this morning. My stummy may not feel too good later. whatever.
I woke up this morning all groggy, and like unsure of what day it was and what I had to get done today. "what day is it?" "it's Saturday." "when's homecoming?"
That bitch mrs. spenser-aka new assistant (ASS) principle-aka the bitch- dress coded apparently like 200 kids yesterday motherfucking bitch. if we wanna dress like a hoe, let us. I get the whole profanity in school thing yaknow may bother people, but seriously like just put tape over it and no one gives a fuck. Don't go ripping up their fucking shirts bitch. they put time, energy and money into it and it actaully meant something to some people. Yes, they didn't follow the dress code exactly, but really? to react that way? Mrs. Spenser we all want you to get hit by a bus (:
(no really, we were talking about it while we were decorating, we really do. we'd even help by pushing her into one :P ) Yes... she is that bad. Mrs. Hiede never dress coded us this bad. She'd respect that we have the freedom to wear what we want, but that we still need to respect the school's guidelines. then this bitch walks in, and tries to change things and run her school with her no-name pant suit (YES like hilary clinton pant suit) and shoots down the spirit this school has left. At the game last night, there def was not as much spirit and people dressing up for it cuze she fucking shot us all down.
UGH. -.- fucking administration.
(sorry for the colorful language, I know its not necessary, but if you met this lady, you would know.) She let the Juniors choose between saturday school and suspension and gave the Senior no choice- just suspension. Unfair much? "sophomores and juniors get on your knees, you have seniors to please" I lol'd at it, I didn't mind. Last year's "it's better on top" got suspension mon-wed. this year, this girl got fri- mon-tue which means no homecoming. Poor thing, seriously that's just mean. And who's really offended by it? Seniors have shown more spirit than the rest of us this year, only encouraging us to support the school and our grade. Administration- MRS SPENSER. fuckofflady.
oh and then at first cuchi was just like, put tape over the fowl language. and then spenser walks in and is like, that's not guna work. and makes them change. Omg susie rocked. Spenser was like, take off your shirt. susie just like took her shirt off and was standing in the office with her bra on, and was like okay, now gimme a shirt.
Nicole and Shanna, you got the worse ends of it.
Seniors and the rest of Ike, goodluck getting rid of her.
This is what we talk about in student council. lol :P

Getting ready for hc tonight.
I'm pretty excited, but we'll see how well it goes.
peace.

hopefully pics later this week whenever?
lol

not yet HC 09

3 more days until the dance.
2 more days until the game.
1 more day until ? idk tomorrow's HC tshirt day. Real World: Eisenhower lol

I'm excited for homecoming. I'm not looking forward to the drama that comes with it. There's supposed to be crappy weather that day. So much for the late night swim. lol or maybe we still will.

Crush the Crusaders.

tired :/
peace.




(today)
________________________

trash.

when the one person you want
doens't want you anymore.
seriously?
story of my life.

never forget.

I don't want much.
I want you back.

code 1. get me out of here.
my head is spinning
my thoughts are thrown.
get me out of here.
no more thoughts.
no more lust.
no more love
just you.
and me.
stfu.

peace.
tomorrow girls over to decorate shirts.
NHS app. frenchTshirt design. trig hw. and that's all i can think of right now.
btw I feel like i'm talking crazy


CSI is on. I'm watching it.
I can't stop but to think.
I want to block my thoughts out.
... it's not working.



you.



(september 26)
_______________________________________


Hello September 25

I'm going to a food bank to volunteer today until 4pm.
its raining out.
I might still go to the game tonight against ford. We'll see.
I had a dream last night.
You were probably in it. you reading this. :/ only
you said you were from a different school
and a different age
and acted a different way
I didn't like it very much.
I slept well though.
My eyes are clearer now.
4 more days? *sigh

homecoming is a week from today.
no date.

peace.

(september 25)

emptytired.

I dont know what to feel right now.
I feel tired and alone that's pretty much it.
It feels like I can't be true to anyone right now.
the one person I want to turn to.. well I'm pretty sure he doesn't want like anything to do with me right now. Or so he's expressed to me.. more than once.
Why now I ask myself. Granted, neither of us were happy. Why did you ask again? the second time? I advised you not to. It would lead to something like where it's at now. about to be dead and gone. Not where I want it. Not if I can help it.
I don't know what I want right now. I feel confused. I want to do good in school uhm, I can't really think of anything else.. I want to be happy.
I want one. not one to share. one to keep.

I am tired.
let me be.
don't ignore me.
but I am tired.
acknowledge.

paper finished.

<3peace.

today I found out.

bacterial infection to my eyes.
no contacts for at least 5 days.
eye drops 4 times a day.
:[
homecoming week is this week.
paper due tonight at 11:59
if I get it done before 8pm I'll probably go out for a bit.
If not, I'm staying in to finish.

peace. be good to your eyes.
_________________________________________

(from Monday sept 21, 2009)

how do you know if someone's worth your time or not?
you give them your time in hopes of something in return
what happens when.. in the end, you get nothing in return.
just lost time.


*I lost about 40 numbers from my phone. AT&T couldn't retrieve them. what the hell is this?

I am self-conscious.

Here's the thing- when most people first meet me, they think of me as someone who has overflowing confidence and doesn't seemed to be put down by much... at least not let very much put them down. For the most part, that's true.
This is going to get confusing. I can tell.
I feel like I had what I am self conscious of with what I know I have and what I can show to people, which is my personality, my thoughts, my intelligence.
Just to clear this up- I'm self-conscious about my body.
Why? (don't tell me curvy is sexy or whatever shit.) I want to be fit. I can be more fit.
and that I am difficult to understand. I'm girly. I'm boyish. I'm tom-boyish. I love heals. I love getting down and dirty with things. I love getting to the grub. (kp) I hate getting dirt in my nails.
(oh btw, also don't give me the "everyone is self-conscious about something" crap. I don't want to hear it. I know that, I'm just saying what I'm self-conscious of and that I need to fucking admit it. Tape your trap.)
I mean, I am who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I strive on individuality while being able to relate to others but still stick out.
I guess, what gets to me is girly girls. No, stick skinny girly girls that "go with the flow" (or in my opinion, tag along like a little bitch)
It starts with weight. It's just a number. I know I would rather just be healthy and in shape than have to worry about being a certain number.
And then they're just the clothes people wear right? The color, cut, tone, brand makes a statement about yourself to the world before you even say a word. (significant or not is your opinion.) One girl that wears 00 abercrombie shorts complaining that they're too big and she's going for "the look" makes me feel like this "fashion" is a joke. I wear what I want, what I feel comfortable in, and what I feel comfortable presenting myself as. (even if it's presenting myself as a slob on occasions, I'll deal with it.) However, there are many girls that seem to never go a day wearing a shirt she's worn before or wearing sweats with a loose tee-shirt. Jealousy? possibly. Self-consciousness. Why can't I be more like her? Why do I set myself on a lower bar? Granted, I don't walk around everyday in sweats and a hoodie trying to hide from the world. Even though sometimes I feel that way, I try to look approachable, which should be satisfying enough, but what about actaully feeling pretty? When was the last time I felt pretty? When was the last time I took time to look good for myself? dissatisfied.
So I've covered weight, clothes... what about color? I want to get more specific about that. I am not the neon kind of person: the type of person that would wear an abundance of neon. I also don't do very much brown, tan, beige, etc. I don't feel like the colors from nature, aka neutral colors, have much of an effect on me. Color does in fact, effect my mood. I wear a lot of black. I wear a lot of dark colors. It's almost like I want to hide. I want to be hidden. Please don't notice me, but I want to be noticed. I want to stand out in a crowd of rushing people. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to feel comfortable with what I wear, which goes back to weight.
No, I don't think that "if I lost some weight I'd be happier." I think that, if the people that surrounded me took less notice at THEIR weight, I'd take less of a notice at mine. I'm the fucking 2nd heaviest person in my house now thanks to a mom like 5 inches shorter and an overachiever sister who loves to run. I know, stop being one of those people that just complain and do something about it. What's stopping me? Actually, you'd be surprised. The only motivation I can get is from myself. When I'm around "skinny people" I may actaully be intimidated to not be like everyone else, not be like them, not come off as a girly, picture perfect, kind of girl. I want edges. I have edges. I am "curvy"... or lately, I've heard "thick" also. See I wouldn't want to think of myself as curvy or thick, because I have a body of a normal person, I'm not supposed to be "heavy," no I'm not overweight by any means, but I might as well feel that way. I've always thought of myself as bigger. Being 5' 4 in 4th grade and at 100 pounds may have had an influence on me. Towering over all my friends for growing up (literally) faster, somehow at that age, I didn't know what a self-esteem was or what self-confidence was. Now, I'm 5' 9. I am not comfortable with disclosing my weight thank you. That number doesn't tell anybody who I am. No matter how large or how small it is, it won't show anybody how much better or worse I am. (this is getting too lengthy.)
Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. Why do girls fight for the attention of boys? Not all boys are worth that fight, yet I see it all the time. Its stupid dramatic girls, starting stupid drama, to have a stupid boy pay some attention to them. Feel wanted yet?

I guess what triggered whatever thought this post was supposed to be, was the initial "I can't find shit to wear, I'm sick of everything, I don't want to shop, I don't want to buy anything, I hate this."
Lovely right? Well, here's the thing. I can't find anything that I like AND fits me well. :[ and it sucks.
I don't want to be hiding myself under layers of baggy unflattering clothes. I want to feel confident in what I wear... and I want to feel pretty again.
I don't want to hide.

I expected more from my first day of school.
and less homework.
-.-


OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.
i almost missed the bus today. only i was running after a different bus, that wasn't mine. awesome.
chem teacher has a monotone.
lock on locker getting fixed took 30 mins.
Highlighter AP Gov :]
My math teacher seems like a real byotch.
JOY JOY JOY.

junior year, hellooo.

see you again next year, summmer

school tomorrow.
today is last day of summer.
i think it might rain.

a month less until homecoming
I got a dress. purple. pretty. Lord and Taylors (: lovelyyy!!!!

doing summer reading.
French, Joy Luck Club, Cuckoo's Nest.
=.=

Don't know what I'm wearing to school tomorrow, where my locker is, where my classes are.

have a good first day of school Michigan kidsss.

wonder/listen

Wonder

When words arent enough, but no one but yourself can read your mind.
When even you don't know what is going through your head.
Thoughtless?
Aiming for what you need to get done.
Auto.
Music is just a distraction.
Tired, unhealthy, wanting.



listen.

its like.. reading a story with the montra or whatever as keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
and just picking up like, wow this guy has a serious anger problem.

neglect.
hate.
you will never understand.
its like i try and give you the chance to.
throw away.
assume.
ass out of you
and me.

shooting signals in the air.
is any body
listening?

i ask for a lot
expect a lot
i know i am
demanding
i've pretty much told every
person that's
ever wanted to get
involved with me
that i am not worth their time.
why?
sometimes it would be because i didn't want to be worth it. i didnt want to be told that im worth more than i should be with them.
i've heard... and have grown used to the thought
that i am worth more than i give myself credit for.

heartache, heartbreak, headache
is it worth it?
ilu.
fine don't believe me anymore.
dont put any faith in me.

like i said
im not worth it.

no i dont want you to leave.
i want you.
but i also want to be
more comfortable around you.
i dont want us to be
fucking
bipolar or some shit
around each other
one second happy, light, the next pissed defensive

seriously.

show me.

I will forever love this song.

How do you fall in love?




I question everything.
Nothing feels definite. One day it could all disappear.
I know not to take advantage of what you have, everything can be held of value.. even the bad things like pain.
I find that now more than ever, I am asking questions-- in search of answers.
College, friends, relationships, choices, decisions, leadership, independence, dependence, conflicts, interests, curiosity. They tell me that they don't get me. That they want to listen. They want to hear my story but what if, I don't want to speak. I choose to speak my thoughts only when I feel I should. I keep things to myself. I keep wondering.

Summer/School-
In fear, I am sad this summer is coming to an end. This year will be tough. I already know that. As I begin planning for the road ahead that I hope to take (yes, college-bound) it only feels like it is full of bumps, turns, and dead ends. Maybe it won't be... but right now that's all I'm seeing.
In curiosity, I am excited for this school year to begin. It has the potential to bring a lot; I have potential to bring a lot into this school year. Hopefully I will. New people, new lessons, new interests, new goals. New beginnings?

Relationships-
I am only looking for what I want, not what is halfway there for me. I don't want to get hurt along the way. I don't want to hurt you or anyone else along the way either. I don't like pain. I don't think you should experience it if you can help it/prevent it. Yes, I understand that the pain and hurt can make you stronger, it can bring us together to make us something stronger, but all the same- it hurts.
I want to feel love.

Friends-
I hope to find who I can dearly call a friend and who I can't. But what do I do with the people who I call friends, but really aren't? I am an overall outgoing person that doesn't stop for much. I care a lot about everyone even though sometimes I do not want to care. I overlook what I have because I'm too busy looking for what I want, which is only the best. I am happy to have one friend I can always turn to for anything. I am lucky to have someone like that in my life.

Myself-
My expectations are too high. Really. 36 on ACTs please? 4.0 GPA (yeah I think I can. I'm at a 3.5 right now) NHS, Junior Class President, art, French 4, AP's, social life?, SAT's+subject tests?, do a few college courses, school involvement, get a job, workout, stay in shape, be healthy.. the list DOES go on. Oh, how much I am looking forward to stressing myself out. I aim high. I'm the only person getting in my own way. I need to set my mind, body, soul straight and go for what I want. But if all I want is the best, why do I sell myself short sometimes? This year I will not let anyone get in my way to be all that I can be. I hope to be able to sustain relationships with the people I enjoy being around, the teachers that have helped me move along, administration that gets me out of class to help them out, and some random other people that just give me hugs and make my day a bit brighter.

I'm looking forward for the sun to rise again.


OH BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO WAKING UP EARLY, MISSING THE BUS, and days where I just feel+look like shit (:
and the stress. the stress the stress the stress..
I'll handle it. Hopefully I wont need some random surgery bc my body decides not to function one day.

Two weeks until school starts.

Weird- when I started writing this, I knew I wanted to blog. But I thought I would keep it short. I guess not huh?

Tonight- Art class. then hopefully biggby's open mic night with friends.


I'm tired. I feel like someone is overbearing me. I feel like I need to let go of a few people in my life and set things straight. I feel stressed because I am behind in my work (act, summer reading, french hw, piano, etc.). I feel thankful for the people that can take me for who I am.

-Iris

Today I went for a walk
thinking about yesterday.
I realized yesterday would do today
so very little. And yesterday's pain
does today no good. Today can be
better, an improved version of yesterday;
or you could make today something completely new.


wow I think if I actaully listened to myself sometimes, I might do myself some good.
=P maybe.

Schedule 09-10

1 Drawing Fund.
2 AP Eng Lang/Comp- Pajak
3 French IV- Blain
4 Chemistry- Marchuk
5 AP Gov/Politics US- Copacia
6 ACC Trig- Morin

A lunch.

I hate when I start feeling cute...

cuze I should just expect it to be taken away. and I be thrown away. worthless, but what else should be expected. It's my fault. It always is- well not always but its not hard to believe that it is my fault and this time I know it is my damn fault. I'll try keeping the swearing low.
I'm pretty much just fucking upset right now. and really hurt. someone mend my broken fucking heart. well no. dont bother. dont fucking touch me. I think I deserve to be fucking alone through this. It's still up to you. You know where I stand. Now, I want to know where you stand.
You know you can just get rid of me, discard me. Leave me.
You know I am willing to change. I told you I don't change for other people. I'd be changing for myself in hopes of becoming a better person.
You know you can move on and forget about me, make me a pigment of your past or of your imagination whichever you wish.

I still feel a lot towards you and I don't want you to go.

You know when you find something you don't want to let go of, and it's not until they're about to leave that you realize how much you want them and how much you did wrong? =/ yeah well it's clicked. and I know not to let you go if I can help it.

Damn, I dont think Ive ever said that to anybody before. I'm always ready to let go, move on... i dont know why this time is different. well I know why. but.. ouch.
Part of me is thinking, just let it go if its going to hurt this much. another part of me is telling me to hold on bc I know it can be something good.


-peace.

If there ever is a tomorrow when we're not together,
there is something you must always remember- you are
braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter
than you think. But the most important thing is even if we are
apart, I'll always be with you.
- Winnie the Pooh

7.

Spinning- Jack's Mannequin

I remember the first time I opened up to anybody about myself. And I mean deep down, opening up. The only kind of opening up you do when you sincerely need someone to listen and to understand you. Or you don't but you just need to tell somebody. Well actaully, it was the second time. The first time I felt like I wasn't taken seriously. It was a quick sentence, muffled by crying and sniffling, barely heard, but I said what I needed someone to hear.
The second time, I started to cry when it came up. I was talking to you on the phone, and I slowly started to cry. I couldn't stop it. I told you slowly, repeating what I had just said because you couldn't understand what I had just said. It was a relief knowing that you were listening and that you cared. It has helped me more than you know. Since then, I've dropped more little bits of me along the path. I'm still here... holding onto parts of me that I don't know when to let go.
Thankyou.

-Iris

fuckShopping

I hope this doesn't sound materialistic or something. Lately shopping has sucked for me. Maybe its because I still seek for my mother's (well parents) approval in pretty much everything in some way and my mom pretty much (for the most part) is more lacking in fashion in comparison to me. Maybe it IS the economy that has changed the way I look at spending money on fashion.
I went shopping today for like 3 hours with my mom, I bought Godiva chocolate. That was it.
I saw things that I liked, but I knew I didn't need. [I have two dresser and a closet full of clothes. literally FULL- like I literally have to find ways to fit anything in them] Things I knew, would fit me, I would adore wearing and stuff, but just for some reason didn't find fit to buy it-- and for some reason that really bothers me. I feel like I haven't bought anything new in awhile. Almost as if to say like where's my style gone? Do I not care anymore? I mean I still put somewhat of an effort to look "decent" (no for some reason I don't want to say "good" because I just don't feel it.) but there's so much more I could do. Maybe it is the money part. I don't wanna be wasting my parents money on clothes that really won't matter as much as the education they'll be paying for in two years.

Maybe.

I used to use shopping as an excuse to buy things to get over my feelings. (haha early indicators of a shopaholic? maybe. but I have enough control and resistance to temptation I think :P ) Now my escape is music. Shopping has only become somewhat of an accessory to life, something not really needed but I still want it there.
I don't know why I wrote this. I've been feeling down lately. I wanna buy everything. or nothing at all. So I stick to nothing, knowing that buying whatever it is will still leave an empty void in me; why bother? Fuck I soundd pathetic. Deal with it. I have strange thoughts attached to emotions.

I guess this sounds weird coming from me. I feel like it is. I feel like whatever it is I am feeling I need to express and I am still learning how in ways I'm unsure of.

peace.

On the Brightside

"you're only as tall
as your heart will let you be
and you're only as small as the world will make you seem
and when the going gets rough
and you feel like you may fall
just look on the bright side
your roughly six feet tall"
On the Brightside- nevershoutnever!


Icy hot (hot hot hot) Patches. Group 1 (2007)
(Clockwise starting at the way left: Josh, Jeff, Will, Alicia, Me, Derrick[cut off a bit in this photo-might repost a pic] Nicole, Bettina)
You know when you feel like you've lost connection with everyone, everything? You're in your own bubble. Maybe you don't have a care in the world with the lonely feeling- in some people's eyes it could be independence; maybe you hate that your in your own space though, but then you go along with life and you somehow (or hopefully) find that person or those people that make you feel like okay that you lost connection because you know you can bring it all back.

Although Howard can just be super awkward at times (or outright hilarious), this is one of my fave pics with someone else. Someone that did something very little, but somehow made a difference in my life. So tiny and insignificant maybe, but something that can still make me randomly smile and remind me that there is someone out there that remembers something little and insignificant that you did and is thinking of you.

(me, Harry, Stephanie)
Getting over , starting over, something new.
I'm glad we are able to accept second chances. (most of us anyways, and in situations that you can.) We came off different paths last year, and ended up on the same one this year as we came together again. We were able to move on, move forward, and I'm glad we have. It's like coming together after a few years and realizing we were always on the same page. (I'm always here to listen.)
Sometimes I get the feeling of deja-vu when I meet someone new that gives me the feeling I used to get from an old friend or someone that used to be in my life. It's not a bad feeling if that person that you're thinking of gave you comfort and security (that person as a friend anyways.) It reminded me of my first year when I was so high up in enthusiasm and felt like I couldn't be more free. It reminded me of why I came to love this place called TAF as much as I do and how I came to feel that TAF was a safe haven. Your openness and friendliness couldn't help but make me smile. It made me want to go back when I was so care-free about life and everything going on around me. However, it also made me realize how I've changed since TAF, partly how I changed because of TAF, and why TAF has changed me. Growing up isn't a bad thing. haha We all have to in time. Even though times can be hard, super hard, and even harder, you come out in the end. You reminded me of me in a way which was why I was so happy to meet you this year.
I know I'm not great with words.. I try.
VIVA LOVE FOREVER.

*btw this post is kinda deep for me for not being mad (I write pretty deep when I'm mad, just never in too much detail.) I'm not sure if I like it too much-I mean the writing. uhm and omg SO many pictures to choose from, it was kinda hard. so you'll probably see those pics coming up slowly. probably, that's not definite though. maybe I'll have a post of JUST pictures. but that might bore you. haha peacelove. <3

hohope.

Ever think how much you would lose if you didn't have hope?
Ever realize how much you gain just by having it there?

I like to think that I rely on hope to get through life...


________________________________________

"Someone I Relied In
by Shane Michael Clouthier- aka Shane the Poet.
visit his works at http://iam.shanethepoet.com/
or http://shanethepoet.com/

and the words that you showed me were mistaken
the baby blue shirt that you moved away from my hands
and our backs sat there while our mouths made love

and I could have thought for a moment that I was safe in this cabinet
but I threw you aside the china and tore your back up with a nice piece of
glass

with out a shower to use, a second seemed to be a minute
and we made out like bandits
the baby blue sky dimmed to purple haze, covered by black clouds
and our backs just sat there while our mouths made love

regardless of how far you could toss me, I was outside of your zone
nothing could stop us, not even the phone

it wasn't making love anymore, it was just kidding around
maybe somewhere else there would be a need for this kind of passion
but this car is speeding down a 15
and our backs just sat there while our eyes made love

holding on to your hands, the hatred for me slowly faded away
because we both know it was never worth it

if you could have seen the sky turn pink tonight in this galaxy
maybe somewhere else, from a telescope you would know why I have
started to fall asleep with your song in my head
and our backs just sat there while our hearts made out like bandits

like someone I relied in, your name was no longer a metaphor
I just had you backwards on the table"

__________________________________________

keep hope.


Today: Student Council Junior class meeting at emilia's whoever's idea it was to have the meeting wasted our 90 minutes in my opinion. We got it all done in like 40 minutes tops. True, we got things cleared up in time, reminders, more stuff out on the table, a bit of better communication, but was it really necessary? whatever. whats done is done right? Anyways, it was a good excuse to hang out with a few good friends that I never seem to get a chance to outside of council.

Toronto/Thousand Islands NY Sunday through Tuesday.
Maybe I'll update before then maybe not.

quick. likeee one thing.

Celebration Dance (Aug 1, 2009)

TAF '09 (weekend)
glad I went. BET YOU CANT FIND ME IN THAT PHOTO (but I AM in it!)
probably more later once I get everything up (pictures+videos)

hahahahahahahahhaha.FACK

packing today.
leaving tomorrow
TAFTAFTAF!
haha and blasting the new playlist while doing itt (: yay

Bother.

This has happened to me more than once. I start getting this feeling of a really great relationship with someone- someone I can rely on, care about, someone that cares about me.
Then it feels like there's this time where suddenly communication stops.
like wtf?
Now I want to know, why?
What changed? Why now?
and was all you said a lie?



I realize I'm not getting very deep into this, I guess I'm having trouble really thinking of what I want to say, but I think.. at least I said something to express it.


Sidenote-
I finished my WorldHistory Online Class
and TAF weekend on Friday! (two days!)

THIS IS THE WEEK OF TAF09

this week.
not at taf. (www.tafworld.org)
different than most. this is would have been my 5th year going.
but I am visiting over the weekend. meaning the excitement I normally bring in 8 days, I get to makeup in THREE. (;

Online class finishes this week.
Cramming.

(me and the bday girl from Biggby's one night.)

Yesterday- Allie's Sweet Sixteen.
Sickk party. (:
Pictures still need to be uploaded.

(this is from Oct 08)

Let's have some fun,
this beat is sick,
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

Guilty/Innocent. Bored and wanted to update.

RULE 1
You can only say Guilty or Innocent.

RULE 2
You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!
(So people reading this, if you want an explanation, comment.)

Now, here's what you're supposed to do and please do not spoil the fun. Copy and paste this into your notes , delete my answers, type in your answers and tag 20 of your friends to answer this. Then see what happens.

1. Asked someone to marry you? guilty
2. Kissed one of your Facebook friends? guilty.
3. Danced on a table in a bar? innocent.
4. Ever told a lie? guilty.
5. Had feelings for someone whom you can't have back? guilty.
6. Ever kissed someone of the same sex? guilty.
7. Kissed a picture? guilty.
8. Slept in until 5 PM? guilty.
9. Fallen asleep at work/school? guilty.
10. Held a snake? guilty.
11. Been suspended from school? innocent.
12. Worked at a fast food restaurant? innocent.
13. Stolen from a store? innocent.
14. Been fired from a job? innocent.
15. Done something you regret? guilty.
16. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? guilty.
17. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? guilty.
18. Kissed in the rain? guilty.
19. Sat on a roof top? guilty.
20. Kissed someone you shouldn't? guilty.
21. Sang in the shower? guilty.
22. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? guilty.
23. Shaved your head? innocent.
24. Slept naked? guilty.
25. Had a boxing membership? innocent.
26. Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? innocent.
27. Been in a band? innocent.
28. Shot a gun? (what kinda gun you talkin' bout? :P) guilty.
29. Donated Blood? innocent.
30. Eaten alligator meat? innocent.
31. Eaten cheesecake? guilty.
32. Still love someone you shoudnt? guilty.
33. Have/had a tattoo? innocent.
34. Liked someone, but will never tell who? guilty.
35. Been too honest? guilty.
36. Ruined a surprise? guilty.
37. Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you cant walk afterwards? guilty.
38. Erased someone in your friends list? guilty.
39. Dressed in a woman's clothes (if your a guy) or man's clothes (if your a girl)? guilty.
40. Joined a pageant? innocent.
41. Been told that you're handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said? guilty.
42. Get totally drunk one night and you have an important exam tomorrow morning? innocent.
43. A total stranger treat you by paying your jeepney fare? innocent.
44. Get totally angry that you cried so hard? guilty.

okay this wasnt that exciting.
darn.
haha something more later.

People really say that?

"I'm saying some people want to win the lotto but I'd rather have u in my life"

I guess so.
Thanks for making my day so much brighter.

I like what you said today.

"all that exists in mind and reality are capable of being changed but its not in every case a simple fix but it is possible."

"i promise you, how ever hard it will be i will bring out some sort of love within you for yourself...because i can tell you that youve already brought some out of me"

"you will feel different and better in time i promise, i keep all promises and i know that because i know how to find the secret love "

Listen to yourself.
You know who you are.

remind me.

what there is to smile about again?

why this fight won't end?

why this struggle is always there?

why I can't fight it?
why this, of all things, I can't let go?

sundown.

thought: Can you really miss something when you
know that sooner or later it will come back?

TAF09?

fact: I will not be going to TAF 2009.

TAFlove <3There's no other like it.
Why I'm not going? I have my reasons.