When things are supposed to be happy

I'll try to take a mild understanding when I'm almost bipolar and somewhat insane.

Its the day before Christmas. Things should be happy right?
This year we didn't set up our tree, we didn't put up decorations.
Maybe that is it, but I'm not feeling the holiday spirit.
This year, Christmas only feels like a time to spend money and give people things.
(granted I'm not very religious at all, and I don't really take in the real meaning of Christmas I guess.. :/ )
It doesn't feel like its anything good.
Like you spend spend spend. and for what?
There are bigger things than that, why are we so focused on it then?

Oh, and the house it getting like redone.. ugh the office, living room are getting hardwood. then after that its guna be the rest of the 2nd floor flooors, and then the foyer then kitchen I think :[ and ... this willll last longer than this break. its not really that great. I mean, I guess I'll look forward to how it all turns out, but as for now, i like the house the way it is, Im used to it.


I've been feeling really lonely lately. Friend stuff has been dull. (and no, i'm not really sure how to say it. ) I feel like the people I am good friends with and the people I should trust, I don't want to. They're boring and not fast-paced enough for me... but they're my friends.
and then the friends that are fast-paced enough for me and exciting, I don't feel like they're smart and honestly I feel like hanging out with them does have a chance for the police to question what they are doing (uh stupid things -.- )
so how do you balance that? I mean, the good friends, are the good people that actaully have a chance of going somewhere in life. but honestly, out of the whole school life and stuff, they kind of bore me. they make me wanna go jump off a bridge with the amount of ignorance and immaturity they display at times. Then the other friends, simply their cockyness and ways, just makes me feel like i'm not going anywhere when I hang out with them (long term thinking)
wordd.
don't know.

Friends aren't ever really friends anyways. I just try to rely on myself, but honestly it gets a bit cramped sometimes, and I just want someone to listen. and I know i have people there that want to be there for me, but those are probably the same people I push away for some reason because I have stupid fucking stupid trust issues and dont want to risk someone getting hurt or angry because most people cant handle me. hell i can barely handle me. then ppl are like well maybe its you that needs to change
well realize this, my self esteem and stuff is already in the shitter (this can be totally questionable, I have my good bad and horrible days.) how do i change that? -.-
and then, I've become more ridiculous in what i want and stuff, I'm very demanding. I realize that... gggggahh, I dont know, I just need to like shutup and have nothought.
how weird would that be, a day without emotional thoughts.
Just do as your told, like I wish there were days I just worked in Auto. I would care less.
but i guess a big part of just being a nice normal -ish person is having a bit of everything (for personality.. never the extremes. only.. my thoughts normally cover the extremes. like either i'm super demanding and ask for a lot, or ask for nothing and hush up kinna thing. haha >.< )
I mean yeah, LOL its funny and stuff, but its really ridiculous and annoying. so yeah, i do find myself annoying.
and yeah sometimes even I feel like I talk just to hear myself talk. or maybe its in hopes to be heard.
or.. something like that.

I do just want to escape
or meet someone that could be like my bestt frenn and itd be cool and exciting and successful and all that. lol that'd be bundles of fun.

anyways, I'm super bored
its the morning of the eve of christmas
(yeah get that. lol)

night everyone I'll probably update more..
there's a lot on my mind and... i guess i do need a way to say things or like get them off my mind. or try to.

blahhh