I am self-conscious.

Here's the thing- when most people first meet me, they think of me as someone who has overflowing confidence and doesn't seemed to be put down by much... at least not let very much put them down. For the most part, that's true.
This is going to get confusing. I can tell.
I feel like I had what I am self conscious of with what I know I have and what I can show to people, which is my personality, my thoughts, my intelligence.
Just to clear this up- I'm self-conscious about my body.
Why? (don't tell me curvy is sexy or whatever shit.) I want to be fit. I can be more fit.
and that I am difficult to understand. I'm girly. I'm boyish. I'm tom-boyish. I love heals. I love getting down and dirty with things. I love getting to the grub. (kp) I hate getting dirt in my nails.
(oh btw, also don't give me the "everyone is self-conscious about something" crap. I don't want to hear it. I know that, I'm just saying what I'm self-conscious of and that I need to fucking admit it. Tape your trap.)
I mean, I am who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I strive on individuality while being able to relate to others but still stick out.
I guess, what gets to me is girly girls. No, stick skinny girly girls that "go with the flow" (or in my opinion, tag along like a little bitch)
It starts with weight. It's just a number. I know I would rather just be healthy and in shape than have to worry about being a certain number.
And then they're just the clothes people wear right? The color, cut, tone, brand makes a statement about yourself to the world before you even say a word. (significant or not is your opinion.) One girl that wears 00 abercrombie shorts complaining that they're too big and she's going for "the look" makes me feel like this "fashion" is a joke. I wear what I want, what I feel comfortable in, and what I feel comfortable presenting myself as. (even if it's presenting myself as a slob on occasions, I'll deal with it.) However, there are many girls that seem to never go a day wearing a shirt she's worn before or wearing sweats with a loose tee-shirt. Jealousy? possibly. Self-consciousness. Why can't I be more like her? Why do I set myself on a lower bar? Granted, I don't walk around everyday in sweats and a hoodie trying to hide from the world. Even though sometimes I feel that way, I try to look approachable, which should be satisfying enough, but what about actaully feeling pretty? When was the last time I felt pretty? When was the last time I took time to look good for myself? dissatisfied.
So I've covered weight, clothes... what about color? I want to get more specific about that. I am not the neon kind of person: the type of person that would wear an abundance of neon. I also don't do very much brown, tan, beige, etc. I don't feel like the colors from nature, aka neutral colors, have much of an effect on me. Color does in fact, effect my mood. I wear a lot of black. I wear a lot of dark colors. It's almost like I want to hide. I want to be hidden. Please don't notice me, but I want to be noticed. I want to stand out in a crowd of rushing people. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to feel comfortable with what I wear, which goes back to weight.
No, I don't think that "if I lost some weight I'd be happier." I think that, if the people that surrounded me took less notice at THEIR weight, I'd take less of a notice at mine. I'm the fucking 2nd heaviest person in my house now thanks to a mom like 5 inches shorter and an overachiever sister who loves to run. I know, stop being one of those people that just complain and do something about it. What's stopping me? Actually, you'd be surprised. The only motivation I can get is from myself. When I'm around "skinny people" I may actaully be intimidated to not be like everyone else, not be like them, not come off as a girly, picture perfect, kind of girl. I want edges. I have edges. I am "curvy"... or lately, I've heard "thick" also. See I wouldn't want to think of myself as curvy or thick, because I have a body of a normal person, I'm not supposed to be "heavy," no I'm not overweight by any means, but I might as well feel that way. I've always thought of myself as bigger. Being 5' 4 in 4th grade and at 100 pounds may have had an influence on me. Towering over all my friends for growing up (literally) faster, somehow at that age, I didn't know what a self-esteem was or what self-confidence was. Now, I'm 5' 9. I am not comfortable with disclosing my weight thank you. That number doesn't tell anybody who I am. No matter how large or how small it is, it won't show anybody how much better or worse I am. (this is getting too lengthy.)
Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. Why do girls fight for the attention of boys? Not all boys are worth that fight, yet I see it all the time. Its stupid dramatic girls, starting stupid drama, to have a stupid boy pay some attention to them. Feel wanted yet?

I guess what triggered whatever thought this post was supposed to be, was the initial "I can't find shit to wear, I'm sick of everything, I don't want to shop, I don't want to buy anything, I hate this."
Lovely right? Well, here's the thing. I can't find anything that I like AND fits me well. :[ and it sucks.
I don't want to be hiding myself under layers of baggy unflattering clothes. I want to feel confident in what I wear... and I want to feel pretty again.
I don't want to hide.