I want to be left alone.

I am not one of those people who love themselves for one reason or another. I struggle with myself and everyone around me to find a place where I fit in. this is a constant struggle. I keep things to myself, realizing that no one would be able to make a difference either way. It's the outside. It's the inside. Either way, it hurts and this pain, doesn't seem to stop.
I cover it up, everyday, or find something that fills its gap. Maybe its love, maybe its loneliness, whatever it is, I hide it. Maybe I see it like a flaw, something I can't fix. I want to get rid of it. I want to fill it. It's the feeling of being unsatisfied. No matter how far I try to excel, it gets me nowhere. That feeling of achievement never comes. No matter how much I do to please you, it isn't enough to reach your level of satisfaction. I'm left with no feeling of content. No help, no use, gone.
I have problems. I have dropped bits and pieces of it along the way, but no one knows it all. Maybe I'm happy having it that way. Maybe I hate it. I don't like the idea of someone knowing everything about me unless if I know they will stick around. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.
What do you expect me to do? Stay home and study. FUCK OFF. I want to live a little bit. I don't want to be nailed to my desk and piano bench and confined to it. I am not someone that hangs around with all girls either, except that some of my friends are guys. Except that I'm not content with my life. Dammit, be there for me.
But I just push you away.

Its like empty tears.
Why am I crying.
again.

If you expected me to go out tonight, and I told you I would find something to do, you make a whole bitchfit when I tell you that a friend can drive or pick me up. Why? dad's available, he can drive its convenient. Why can't I drive with my friends instead of being stuck with you feeling uncomfortable like everything I do is just WRONG.

FUCK OFF. seriously. that's it
Leave me alone.
Let me be.

hell no.
that will
never happen

your feeling of content will never get us anywhere. It holds me back. It suffocates me.
So maybe times, I'd rather be dead than have to bear through these feelings.

just those times, when I want to be a normal kid with normal mediocre feelings and mediocre standards, I want to be able to do what I want.
fuck it.
it doesn't matter anyways.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT -.-

leave me alone.
I want to delete this.
shutup.