When things are supposed to be happy

I'll try to take a mild understanding when I'm almost bipolar and somewhat insane.

Its the day before Christmas. Things should be happy right?
This year we didn't set up our tree, we didn't put up decorations.
Maybe that is it, but I'm not feeling the holiday spirit.
This year, Christmas only feels like a time to spend money and give people things.
(granted I'm not very religious at all, and I don't really take in the real meaning of Christmas I guess.. :/ )
It doesn't feel like its anything good.
Like you spend spend spend. and for what?
There are bigger things than that, why are we so focused on it then?

Oh, and the house it getting like redone.. ugh the office, living room are getting hardwood. then after that its guna be the rest of the 2nd floor flooors, and then the foyer then kitchen I think :[ and ... this willll last longer than this break. its not really that great. I mean, I guess I'll look forward to how it all turns out, but as for now, i like the house the way it is, Im used to it.


I've been feeling really lonely lately. Friend stuff has been dull. (and no, i'm not really sure how to say it. ) I feel like the people I am good friends with and the people I should trust, I don't want to. They're boring and not fast-paced enough for me... but they're my friends.
and then the friends that are fast-paced enough for me and exciting, I don't feel like they're smart and honestly I feel like hanging out with them does have a chance for the police to question what they are doing (uh stupid things -.- )
so how do you balance that? I mean, the good friends, are the good people that actaully have a chance of going somewhere in life. but honestly, out of the whole school life and stuff, they kind of bore me. they make me wanna go jump off a bridge with the amount of ignorance and immaturity they display at times. Then the other friends, simply their cockyness and ways, just makes me feel like i'm not going anywhere when I hang out with them (long term thinking)
wordd.
don't know.

Friends aren't ever really friends anyways. I just try to rely on myself, but honestly it gets a bit cramped sometimes, and I just want someone to listen. and I know i have people there that want to be there for me, but those are probably the same people I push away for some reason because I have stupid fucking stupid trust issues and dont want to risk someone getting hurt or angry because most people cant handle me. hell i can barely handle me. then ppl are like well maybe its you that needs to change
well realize this, my self esteem and stuff is already in the shitter (this can be totally questionable, I have my good bad and horrible days.) how do i change that? -.-
and then, I've become more ridiculous in what i want and stuff, I'm very demanding. I realize that... gggggahh, I dont know, I just need to like shutup and have nothought.
how weird would that be, a day without emotional thoughts.
Just do as your told, like I wish there were days I just worked in Auto. I would care less.
but i guess a big part of just being a nice normal -ish person is having a bit of everything (for personality.. never the extremes. only.. my thoughts normally cover the extremes. like either i'm super demanding and ask for a lot, or ask for nothing and hush up kinna thing. haha >.< )
I mean yeah, LOL its funny and stuff, but its really ridiculous and annoying. so yeah, i do find myself annoying.
and yeah sometimes even I feel like I talk just to hear myself talk. or maybe its in hopes to be heard.
or.. something like that.

I do just want to escape
or meet someone that could be like my bestt frenn and itd be cool and exciting and successful and all that. lol that'd be bundles of fun.

anyways, I'm super bored
its the morning of the eve of christmas
(yeah get that. lol)

night everyone I'll probably update more..
there's a lot on my mind and... i guess i do need a way to say things or like get them off my mind. or try to.

blahhh

gone?

I always wonder what happens to them after we loose touch.
you, you moved on.
I'm happy you did.
I'm happy you have.
but... what if I just miss you?
You were someone, I know you had stronger feelings toward me than what I had to you.
You were willing to do.. so much to get to me (think of the song by Train) or you'd swim the ocean for me (Metro Station)
The days I was your Konstantine?
I was something that in reality you'd swear.
(baha all the puns I'm throwing in. since when did I do that?)
You taught me something.
You taught me I could be cared for
and in time, I could trust someone.
and some people do amuse me and keep me interested.
In a way, I am glad we fell apart. With time, we ended.. we drifted.
Do I miss you?
I miss your comfort.
No, I dont wish you were mine. I never thought of you as mine. When I heard you had someone else, I felt relief... but what was the other part of me thinking?
gosh, I don't even know.
Maybe, I just miss those times with you, and I know my time is gone. but... i don't want my time to be back, it was short-lived.. but it lasted just long enough to show both of us enough.

Hmph.
for those times before, thanks for putting a smile on my face
I liked that.

for the times to come, best of luck to you
maybe we'll meet in another life (Ohhhhh Lost (; )


haha man, you came across my mind. Something MIGHT have been in the back of my head for awhile.... yeah
I hope you read this, if you don't I'll be sure to bring it up with you :P


*question I ask while reading this. have I moved on?
Yeah, I think I have. this just came across my mind when I saw an update on your via Twitter. Lol worrrdddd.
I mean, I know what we were, and what we did and things happened, we kept going learning from what we did or .. yeah.

K I WANT SLEEEEEEP
ugh UCS giving us TWO days of school.. break starts after tuesday.

if you can breathe and relax, then breathe and relax.

Updating has been pretty low for me lately.
I've been really busy with school, holiday activities, volunteering, keeping up on grades, and piano.
Lacking a social life too. haha I have no idea what's going on over break as of right now. a lot of friends are going out of town (or one-- kp-- is already halfway around the world in freaking australiaaaa! I told her to bring me back an accent :P)

Yesterday I had a paper to finish for APgov as well as a math test (part one) and chem test and a french outline due today.
Tomorrow I have part 2 of the math test. Right now, I'm trying to study, but really?! if someone wants to explain to me what x is when the equation reads arccos x +arctan x= 11pi/12 or arcsin 2x+arcsin x = pi/2 let me know -.-
This weekend- no idea, but I dont really want to bum around at home seeing as the past 2 weekends I've been busy with piano andd oh what was it the weekend before? probably piano again and shopping.

I hope 2009 has been a good year for you, full of happy memories, and lessons learned. Who knows if I will update before the end of the year, so for now I wish you all a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays andd a Happy New Year

Christmas Tree- Lady Gaga




LOL if you haven't heard it already. ENJOY!

Actaully I probably will post something before the end of the year, I like reflecting. and this year seemed to be a challenge to get through, so why not reflect and see what I've learned, yahearr?

Try to relax when you can; it IS the holidays so just.. be happy, be nice, be giving to yourself and to others and stay outta trouble.
No drunk drivingg.
or texting while driving.
or smoking in public places! (yay for the law passed in MI finally!)

What happened to October anyways?

I'll talk later.
Here's an idea of what's been going on.


Decorating the morning of homecoming 2009. Survivor themed.


me and chelsea's "couples" photo.


Sophomore, sophomore, me and emily (oh dinner was catering in emilia's garage. it looked fantastic) (and I don't know what that glare on my neck is..)


I didn't take my camera on the dance floor. This was at the after party. It says cool. haha


After I apologized to Ryan Miller (yes it was a sincere apology for getting all b@*#$& faced at him)
We were okay. My thumbs are sooo weird.. oh right so is my face SORRRY.


The girls, after slaughter at Sundown. Taco Bell most def.


All the teams in the road rally- minus one.


Halloweeeeeeeeeeeeeen


Fall training! (:

okay so that waas pretty much the month of october.
but... we're in november.
booh. later.

oh sad thing though
I LOVE NOVEMBER 11. (11.11)?
so I was waiting to make a wish that night (11/11 11:11)
I fell asleep at 10:50
wahhhh >.< story of my life :P


How's it been for you? you been good?

-Iris

OCT31.2009

I LOVED HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR.
weekend was amazing.
No school tomorrow.
:]
KBYE

BAM! &happiness. Does this come in a bottle?

it's interesting how one or two people can instantly change my mood. put them in the same vicinity and BAM. its like instant happiness. lol
Nina and Joe. thanks for that. I needed that today.
(:

hurt comes back.

Remember all that time you just kept to yourself to avoid not getting hurt.
and then next thing you know
it all comes back to you
whether its 6 years, 9 months or 3 weeks ago
you're surprised it came back.
How did you get back in?
I wanted you to be far far away.
I never wanted to hear from you again.
and now, you're back.
and tears fall down my face.
You, who offered me the world, and so much more
you found a way to hurt me.

I want to be left alone.

I am not one of those people who love themselves for one reason or another. I struggle with myself and everyone around me to find a place where I fit in. this is a constant struggle. I keep things to myself, realizing that no one would be able to make a difference either way. It's the outside. It's the inside. Either way, it hurts and this pain, doesn't seem to stop.
I cover it up, everyday, or find something that fills its gap. Maybe its love, maybe its loneliness, whatever it is, I hide it. Maybe I see it like a flaw, something I can't fix. I want to get rid of it. I want to fill it. It's the feeling of being unsatisfied. No matter how far I try to excel, it gets me nowhere. That feeling of achievement never comes. No matter how much I do to please you, it isn't enough to reach your level of satisfaction. I'm left with no feeling of content. No help, no use, gone.
I have problems. I have dropped bits and pieces of it along the way, but no one knows it all. Maybe I'm happy having it that way. Maybe I hate it. I don't like the idea of someone knowing everything about me unless if I know they will stick around. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.
What do you expect me to do? Stay home and study. FUCK OFF. I want to live a little bit. I don't want to be nailed to my desk and piano bench and confined to it. I am not someone that hangs around with all girls either, except that some of my friends are guys. Except that I'm not content with my life. Dammit, be there for me.
But I just push you away.

Its like empty tears.
Why am I crying.
again.

If you expected me to go out tonight, and I told you I would find something to do, you make a whole bitchfit when I tell you that a friend can drive or pick me up. Why? dad's available, he can drive its convenient. Why can't I drive with my friends instead of being stuck with you feeling uncomfortable like everything I do is just WRONG.

FUCK OFF. seriously. that's it
Leave me alone.
Let me be.

hell no.
that will
never happen

your feeling of content will never get us anywhere. It holds me back. It suffocates me.
So maybe times, I'd rather be dead than have to bear through these feelings.

just those times, when I want to be a normal kid with normal mediocre feelings and mediocre standards, I want to be able to do what I want.
fuck it.
it doesn't matter anyways.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT -.-

leave me alone.
I want to delete this.
shutup.

and he said, "Let's play a game."

This weekend has been the greatest in soo long. (minus 2 details. 1 death, and 1 where are you?)
Yesterday me and some friends went to Slaughter at Sundown. Where everyone around me endured a night full of sexual comments and singing random songs.
(walking through a haunted house telling ppl "I'M IN MIAMI.. *BITCH")
and then going on the hayride telling those ppl they had herpes, they were too short, introducing myself as Nicole, that goes to Eisenhower, asking them if they were horny, telling them to bite me... and it went on.
Afterwards, we journeyed to TACO BELL. where we met up with Christos. Our conversation became too noisy and we were warned that if we didn't keep our voices down, we would be kicked out.
We decided to leave, and went to explore the aisles of Wal-Mart. We found nothing interesting but a cute older man buying alcohol. I say cute as in, Can you bring me home with you?, cute.
Jake and I creeped on the older men.
We soon needed something to do. (and they say I have ADD) so we drove on to my house.


like how formal I made that all sound? or tried.
I'm still not thinking straight.

and then tomorrow. well its monday
and it is going to be cold.
its guna suck.
its guna be monday why else?

so I hope everyone had an exciting weekend.
Those who went to homecoming, I hope you had a great homecoming.

so now, I think I'm going to take a hot shower and jump into my warm bed.



*THIS POST has been edited and excludes some thoughts. kay peace.

I don't know where you are right now..
but I will remember all that you taught me.
I love you.

Heaven Can Wait

Stay with me.

Tonight's guna be a good night.?

I just got back from decorating the school for Homecoming tonight! It looks sickk (: I had a great idea, and we used it and it really loooks great and adds to it. yeah I had a monster this morning. My stummy may not feel too good later. whatever.
I woke up this morning all groggy, and like unsure of what day it was and what I had to get done today. "what day is it?" "it's Saturday." "when's homecoming?"
That bitch mrs. spenser-aka new assistant (ASS) principle-aka the bitch- dress coded apparently like 200 kids yesterday motherfucking bitch. if we wanna dress like a hoe, let us. I get the whole profanity in school thing yaknow may bother people, but seriously like just put tape over it and no one gives a fuck. Don't go ripping up their fucking shirts bitch. they put time, energy and money into it and it actaully meant something to some people. Yes, they didn't follow the dress code exactly, but really? to react that way? Mrs. Spenser we all want you to get hit by a bus (:
(no really, we were talking about it while we were decorating, we really do. we'd even help by pushing her into one :P ) Yes... she is that bad. Mrs. Hiede never dress coded us this bad. She'd respect that we have the freedom to wear what we want, but that we still need to respect the school's guidelines. then this bitch walks in, and tries to change things and run her school with her no-name pant suit (YES like hilary clinton pant suit) and shoots down the spirit this school has left. At the game last night, there def was not as much spirit and people dressing up for it cuze she fucking shot us all down.
UGH. -.- fucking administration.
(sorry for the colorful language, I know its not necessary, but if you met this lady, you would know.) She let the Juniors choose between saturday school and suspension and gave the Senior no choice- just suspension. Unfair much? "sophomores and juniors get on your knees, you have seniors to please" I lol'd at it, I didn't mind. Last year's "it's better on top" got suspension mon-wed. this year, this girl got fri- mon-tue which means no homecoming. Poor thing, seriously that's just mean. And who's really offended by it? Seniors have shown more spirit than the rest of us this year, only encouraging us to support the school and our grade. Administration- MRS SPENSER. fuckofflady.
oh and then at first cuchi was just like, put tape over the fowl language. and then spenser walks in and is like, that's not guna work. and makes them change. Omg susie rocked. Spenser was like, take off your shirt. susie just like took her shirt off and was standing in the office with her bra on, and was like okay, now gimme a shirt.
Nicole and Shanna, you got the worse ends of it.
Seniors and the rest of Ike, goodluck getting rid of her.
This is what we talk about in student council. lol :P

Getting ready for hc tonight.
I'm pretty excited, but we'll see how well it goes.
peace.

hopefully pics later this week whenever?
lol