I can't.

right now.
in terms of perception, I am negative.
I realized this: I can't stand the thought of being alone.
Common right?
Add this: I'd rather lie then admit I am alone.
And this: When people say they're there for me and that I'm not alone, its when I feel the most alone.

Cliche? probably.
But I am sick of it. Plus I am annoyed when I hear, "Oh, its only high school."
I don't care WHEN this is taking place, its the fact that it is.
Really? Do I think it's going to change?
Honestly in my gut, no.
Talk about optimism.

You're friends will change, so you shouldn't spend time mending those wounds or taking time to make things right or something?
Well here's the thing, its not those wounds I intend on stitching up, it's my own.
I know I hurt myself more than you could ever hurt me. (or maybe the hurt from you is already done. dead and gone.)
I put myself down more than you put me down.

"I stopped caring"
That is not the problem for me.
The problem is that I care too much.
But I try not to.
I want to not care.
I want to let go.
But I can't.
I can fake it for as long as I want.
I know the person I'm lying to is only myself.



I struggle looking back.
I sound like a fucking depressed emo child with no one to turn to.
The thing is, there is no one I want to turn to. No one really anyways that I feel would just listen and take it in and try to help. They just say, I'm crazy.
I don't want to look back at the stupid things I've done.
Those times where I made pretty minor judgment or jumped into things I shouldn't have.
Even those little things, where I should have bitten back my tongue.
I blocked a lot of it out of my mind.
I lied to myself in my head.
I cried myself to sleep.
and no, it has gotten me nowhere.

So this is where I lie.
It's like there's a thread out there.
and I want you to find that thread that leads to me.
Find me.
and then, let me trust you.
Can I trust you?

I know I need to change.
But I don't know how.
And my ignorance/stubbornness
can get the best of me at times.
When I want help, I don't want help from you.
When I don't want help, I simply don't want help.
I simply hate everything.
and if you do, indeed think hate is a strong word, think of how often most of us throw the word "love" around. No, I don't think using hate is that strong anymore, just like I don't think love is either. (even though I wish it were and I have tried to minimize the usage of both words, like throw them around less only to feel more anger in me... )
So no, maybe it isn't hate. (This is the self-doubt.) Maybe it is in fact just a temporary dislike for people, but is it?
When I "hate" everything, I know the only thing I want is to be cared for.
I long for someone's warmth.
Someone's arms to wrap.
Someone's trust.
Someone I can feel safe with.

I'm ridiculous.
I don't care anymore.
I know I am.


I know- "Iris, then do something about it."
But.
But what?
What is the "something?"
and what do I want to do with it?
It's like compiling a list.
Only, the list is in my head
and is only triggered in times of despair or stress.

I bite on my tongue.
I get anxious trying to be something
that just doesn't feel right.
But it is something I've been doing for... ever.
What would be "wrong?"
Not striving for what I want.


I'm sorry.
-Iris