I can't.

right now.
in terms of perception, I am negative.
I realized this: I can't stand the thought of being alone.
Common right?
Add this: I'd rather lie then admit I am alone.
And this: When people say they're there for me and that I'm not alone, its when I feel the most alone.

Cliche? probably.
But I am sick of it. Plus I am annoyed when I hear, "Oh, its only high school."
I don't care WHEN this is taking place, its the fact that it is.
Really? Do I think it's going to change?
Honestly in my gut, no.
Talk about optimism.

You're friends will change, so you shouldn't spend time mending those wounds or taking time to make things right or something?
Well here's the thing, its not those wounds I intend on stitching up, it's my own.
I know I hurt myself more than you could ever hurt me. (or maybe the hurt from you is already done. dead and gone.)
I put myself down more than you put me down.

"I stopped caring"
That is not the problem for me.
The problem is that I care too much.
But I try not to.
I want to not care.
I want to let go.
But I can't.
I can fake it for as long as I want.
I know the person I'm lying to is only myself.



I struggle looking back.
I sound like a fucking depressed emo child with no one to turn to.
The thing is, there is no one I want to turn to. No one really anyways that I feel would just listen and take it in and try to help. They just say, I'm crazy.
I don't want to look back at the stupid things I've done.
Those times where I made pretty minor judgment or jumped into things I shouldn't have.
Even those little things, where I should have bitten back my tongue.
I blocked a lot of it out of my mind.
I lied to myself in my head.
I cried myself to sleep.
and no, it has gotten me nowhere.

So this is where I lie.
It's like there's a thread out there.
and I want you to find that thread that leads to me.
Find me.
and then, let me trust you.
Can I trust you?

I know I need to change.
But I don't know how.
And my ignorance/stubbornness
can get the best of me at times.
When I want help, I don't want help from you.
When I don't want help, I simply don't want help.
I simply hate everything.
and if you do, indeed think hate is a strong word, think of how often most of us throw the word "love" around. No, I don't think using hate is that strong anymore, just like I don't think love is either. (even though I wish it were and I have tried to minimize the usage of both words, like throw them around less only to feel more anger in me... )
So no, maybe it isn't hate. (This is the self-doubt.) Maybe it is in fact just a temporary dislike for people, but is it?
When I "hate" everything, I know the only thing I want is to be cared for.
I long for someone's warmth.
Someone's arms to wrap.
Someone's trust.
Someone I can feel safe with.

I'm ridiculous.
I don't care anymore.
I know I am.


I know- "Iris, then do something about it."
But.
But what?
What is the "something?"
and what do I want to do with it?
It's like compiling a list.
Only, the list is in my head
and is only triggered in times of despair or stress.

I bite on my tongue.
I get anxious trying to be something
that just doesn't feel right.
But it is something I've been doing for... ever.
What would be "wrong?"
Not striving for what I want.


I'm sorry.
-Iris

Merry Christmas!

I made crepe's this morningg with my new crepe maker (:
yeah, I was excited.

How has your Christmas been?

When things are supposed to be happy

I'll try to take a mild understanding when I'm almost bipolar and somewhat insane.

Its the day before Christmas. Things should be happy right?
This year we didn't set up our tree, we didn't put up decorations.
Maybe that is it, but I'm not feeling the holiday spirit.
This year, Christmas only feels like a time to spend money and give people things.
(granted I'm not very religious at all, and I don't really take in the real meaning of Christmas I guess.. :/ )
It doesn't feel like its anything good.
Like you spend spend spend. and for what?
There are bigger things than that, why are we so focused on it then?

Oh, and the house it getting like redone.. ugh the office, living room are getting hardwood. then after that its guna be the rest of the 2nd floor flooors, and then the foyer then kitchen I think :[ and ... this willll last longer than this break. its not really that great. I mean, I guess I'll look forward to how it all turns out, but as for now, i like the house the way it is, Im used to it.


I've been feeling really lonely lately. Friend stuff has been dull. (and no, i'm not really sure how to say it. ) I feel like the people I am good friends with and the people I should trust, I don't want to. They're boring and not fast-paced enough for me... but they're my friends.
and then the friends that are fast-paced enough for me and exciting, I don't feel like they're smart and honestly I feel like hanging out with them does have a chance for the police to question what they are doing (uh stupid things -.- )
so how do you balance that? I mean, the good friends, are the good people that actaully have a chance of going somewhere in life. but honestly, out of the whole school life and stuff, they kind of bore me. they make me wanna go jump off a bridge with the amount of ignorance and immaturity they display at times. Then the other friends, simply their cockyness and ways, just makes me feel like i'm not going anywhere when I hang out with them (long term thinking)
wordd.
don't know.

Friends aren't ever really friends anyways. I just try to rely on myself, but honestly it gets a bit cramped sometimes, and I just want someone to listen. and I know i have people there that want to be there for me, but those are probably the same people I push away for some reason because I have stupid fucking stupid trust issues and dont want to risk someone getting hurt or angry because most people cant handle me. hell i can barely handle me. then ppl are like well maybe its you that needs to change
well realize this, my self esteem and stuff is already in the shitter (this can be totally questionable, I have my good bad and horrible days.) how do i change that? -.-
and then, I've become more ridiculous in what i want and stuff, I'm very demanding. I realize that... gggggahh, I dont know, I just need to like shutup and have nothought.
how weird would that be, a day without emotional thoughts.
Just do as your told, like I wish there were days I just worked in Auto. I would care less.
but i guess a big part of just being a nice normal -ish person is having a bit of everything (for personality.. never the extremes. only.. my thoughts normally cover the extremes. like either i'm super demanding and ask for a lot, or ask for nothing and hush up kinna thing. haha >.< )
I mean yeah, LOL its funny and stuff, but its really ridiculous and annoying. so yeah, i do find myself annoying.
and yeah sometimes even I feel like I talk just to hear myself talk. or maybe its in hopes to be heard.
or.. something like that.

I do just want to escape
or meet someone that could be like my bestt frenn and itd be cool and exciting and successful and all that. lol that'd be bundles of fun.

anyways, I'm super bored
its the morning of the eve of christmas
(yeah get that. lol)

night everyone I'll probably update more..
there's a lot on my mind and... i guess i do need a way to say things or like get them off my mind. or try to.

blahhh

gone?

I always wonder what happens to them after we loose touch.
you, you moved on.
I'm happy you did.
I'm happy you have.
but... what if I just miss you?
You were someone, I know you had stronger feelings toward me than what I had to you.
You were willing to do.. so much to get to me (think of the song by Train) or you'd swim the ocean for me (Metro Station)
The days I was your Konstantine?
I was something that in reality you'd swear.
(baha all the puns I'm throwing in. since when did I do that?)
You taught me something.
You taught me I could be cared for
and in time, I could trust someone.
and some people do amuse me and keep me interested.
In a way, I am glad we fell apart. With time, we ended.. we drifted.
Do I miss you?
I miss your comfort.
No, I dont wish you were mine. I never thought of you as mine. When I heard you had someone else, I felt relief... but what was the other part of me thinking?
gosh, I don't even know.
Maybe, I just miss those times with you, and I know my time is gone. but... i don't want my time to be back, it was short-lived.. but it lasted just long enough to show both of us enough.

Hmph.
for those times before, thanks for putting a smile on my face
I liked that.

for the times to come, best of luck to you
maybe we'll meet in another life (Ohhhhh Lost (; )


haha man, you came across my mind. Something MIGHT have been in the back of my head for awhile.... yeah
I hope you read this, if you don't I'll be sure to bring it up with you :P


*question I ask while reading this. have I moved on?
Yeah, I think I have. this just came across my mind when I saw an update on your via Twitter. Lol worrrdddd.
I mean, I know what we were, and what we did and things happened, we kept going learning from what we did or .. yeah.

K I WANT SLEEEEEEP
ugh UCS giving us TWO days of school.. break starts after tuesday.

if you can breathe and relax, then breathe and relax.

Updating has been pretty low for me lately.
I've been really busy with school, holiday activities, volunteering, keeping up on grades, and piano.
Lacking a social life too. haha I have no idea what's going on over break as of right now. a lot of friends are going out of town (or one-- kp-- is already halfway around the world in freaking australiaaaa! I told her to bring me back an accent :P)

Yesterday I had a paper to finish for APgov as well as a math test (part one) and chem test and a french outline due today.
Tomorrow I have part 2 of the math test. Right now, I'm trying to study, but really?! if someone wants to explain to me what x is when the equation reads arccos x +arctan x= 11pi/12 or arcsin 2x+arcsin x = pi/2 let me know -.-
This weekend- no idea, but I dont really want to bum around at home seeing as the past 2 weekends I've been busy with piano andd oh what was it the weekend before? probably piano again and shopping.

I hope 2009 has been a good year for you, full of happy memories, and lessons learned. Who knows if I will update before the end of the year, so for now I wish you all a Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays andd a Happy New Year

Christmas Tree- Lady Gaga




LOL if you haven't heard it already. ENJOY!

Actaully I probably will post something before the end of the year, I like reflecting. and this year seemed to be a challenge to get through, so why not reflect and see what I've learned, yahearr?

Try to relax when you can; it IS the holidays so just.. be happy, be nice, be giving to yourself and to others and stay outta trouble.
No drunk drivingg.
or texting while driving.
or smoking in public places! (yay for the law passed in MI finally!)