3 more days until the dance.
2 more days until the game.
1 more day until ? idk tomorrow's HC tshirt day. Real World: Eisenhower lol
I'm excited for homecoming. I'm not looking forward to the drama that comes with it. There's supposed to be crappy weather that day. So much for the late night swim. lol or maybe we still will.
Crush the Crusaders.
tired :/
peace.
(today)
________________________
trash.
when the one person you want
doens't want you anymore.
seriously?
story of my life.
never forget.
I don't want much.
I want you back.
code 1. get me out of here.
my head is spinning
my thoughts are thrown.
get me out of here.
no more thoughts.
no more lust.
no more love
just you.
and me.
stfu.
peace.
tomorrow girls over to decorate shirts.
NHS app. frenchTshirt design. trig hw. and that's all i can think of right now.
btw I feel like i'm talking crazy
CSI is on. I'm watching it.
I can't stop but to think.
I want to block my thoughts out.
... it's not working.
you.
(september 26)
_______________________________________
Hello September 25
I'm going to a food bank to volunteer today until 4pm.
its raining out.
I might still go to the game tonight against ford. We'll see.
I had a dream last night.
You were probably in it. you reading this. :/ only
you said you were from a different school
and a different age
and acted a different way
I didn't like it very much.
I slept well though.
My eyes are clearer now.
4 more days? *sigh
homecoming is a week from today.
no date.
peace.
(september 25)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
emptytired.
I dont know what to feel right now.
I feel tired and alone that's pretty much it.
It feels like I can't be true to anyone right now.
the one person I want to turn to.. well I'm pretty sure he doesn't want like anything to do with me right now. Or so he's expressed to me.. more than once.
Why now I ask myself. Granted, neither of us were happy. Why did you ask again? the second time? I advised you not to. It would lead to something like where it's at now. about to be dead and gone. Not where I want it. Not if I can help it.
I don't know what I want right now. I feel confused. I want to do good in school uhm, I can't really think of anything else.. I want to be happy.
I want one. not one to share. one to keep.
I am tired.
let me be.
don't ignore me.
but I am tired.
acknowledge.
paper finished.
<3peace.
I feel tired and alone that's pretty much it.
It feels like I can't be true to anyone right now.
the one person I want to turn to.. well I'm pretty sure he doesn't want like anything to do with me right now. Or so he's expressed to me.. more than once.
Why now I ask myself. Granted, neither of us were happy. Why did you ask again? the second time? I advised you not to. It would lead to something like where it's at now. about to be dead and gone. Not where I want it. Not if I can help it.
I don't know what I want right now. I feel confused. I want to do good in school uhm, I can't really think of anything else.. I want to be happy.
I want one. not one to share. one to keep.
I am tired.
let me be.
don't ignore me.
but I am tired.
acknowledge.
paper finished.
<3peace.
today I found out.
bacterial infection to my eyes.
no contacts for at least 5 days.
eye drops 4 times a day.
:[
homecoming week is this week.
paper due tonight at 11:59
if I get it done before 8pm I'll probably go out for a bit.
If not, I'm staying in to finish.
peace. be good to your eyes.
_________________________________________
(from Monday sept 21, 2009)
how do you know if someone's worth your time or not?
you give them your time in hopes of something in return
what happens when.. in the end, you get nothing in return.
just lost time.
*I lost about 40 numbers from my phone. AT&T couldn't retrieve them. what the hell is this?
no contacts for at least 5 days.
eye drops 4 times a day.
:[
homecoming week is this week.
paper due tonight at 11:59
if I get it done before 8pm I'll probably go out for a bit.
If not, I'm staying in to finish.
peace. be good to your eyes.
_________________________________________
(from Monday sept 21, 2009)
how do you know if someone's worth your time or not?
you give them your time in hopes of something in return
what happens when.. in the end, you get nothing in return.
just lost time.
*I lost about 40 numbers from my phone. AT&T couldn't retrieve them. what the hell is this?
Friday, September 18, 2009
I am self-conscious.
Here's the thing- when most people first meet me, they think of me as someone who has overflowing confidence and doesn't seemed to be put down by much... at least not let very much put them down. For the most part, that's true.
This is going to get confusing. I can tell.
I feel like I had what I am self conscious of with what I know I have and what I can show to people, which is my personality, my thoughts, my intelligence.
Just to clear this up- I'm self-conscious about my body.
Why? (don't tell me curvy is sexy or whatever shit.) I want to be fit. I can be more fit.
and that I am difficult to understand. I'm girly. I'm boyish. I'm tom-boyish. I love heals. I love getting down and dirty with things. I love getting to the grub. (kp) I hate getting dirt in my nails.
(oh btw, also don't give me the "everyone is self-conscious about something" crap. I don't want to hear it. I know that, I'm just saying what I'm self-conscious of and that I need to fucking admit it. Tape your trap.)
I mean, I am who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I strive on individuality while being able to relate to others but still stick out.
I guess, what gets to me is girly girls. No, stick skinny girly girls that "go with the flow" (or in my opinion, tag along like a little bitch)
It starts with weight. It's just a number. I know I would rather just be healthy and in shape than have to worry about being a certain number.
And then they're just the clothes people wear right? The color, cut, tone, brand makes a statement about yourself to the world before you even say a word. (significant or not is your opinion.) One girl that wears 00 abercrombie shorts complaining that they're too big and she's going for "the look" makes me feel like this "fashion" is a joke. I wear what I want, what I feel comfortable in, and what I feel comfortable presenting myself as. (even if it's presenting myself as a slob on occasions, I'll deal with it.) However, there are many girls that seem to never go a day wearing a shirt she's worn before or wearing sweats with a loose tee-shirt. Jealousy? possibly. Self-consciousness. Why can't I be more like her? Why do I set myself on a lower bar? Granted, I don't walk around everyday in sweats and a hoodie trying to hide from the world. Even though sometimes I feel that way, I try to look approachable, which should be satisfying enough, but what about actaully feeling pretty? When was the last time I felt pretty? When was the last time I took time to look good for myself? dissatisfied.
So I've covered weight, clothes... what about color? I want to get more specific about that. I am not the neon kind of person: the type of person that would wear an abundance of neon. I also don't do very much brown, tan, beige, etc. I don't feel like the colors from nature, aka neutral colors, have much of an effect on me. Color does in fact, effect my mood. I wear a lot of black. I wear a lot of dark colors. It's almost like I want to hide. I want to be hidden. Please don't notice me, but I want to be noticed. I want to stand out in a crowd of rushing people. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to feel comfortable with what I wear, which goes back to weight.
No, I don't think that "if I lost some weight I'd be happier." I think that, if the people that surrounded me took less notice at THEIR weight, I'd take less of a notice at mine. I'm the fucking 2nd heaviest person in my house now thanks to a mom like 5 inches shorter and an overachiever sister who loves to run. I know, stop being one of those people that just complain and do something about it. What's stopping me? Actually, you'd be surprised. The only motivation I can get is from myself. When I'm around "skinny people" I may actaully be intimidated to not be like everyone else, not be like them, not come off as a girly, picture perfect, kind of girl. I want edges. I have edges. I am "curvy"... or lately, I've heard "thick" also. See I wouldn't want to think of myself as curvy or thick, because I have a body of a normal person, I'm not supposed to be "heavy," no I'm not overweight by any means, but I might as well feel that way. I've always thought of myself as bigger. Being 5' 4 in 4th grade and at 100 pounds may have had an influence on me. Towering over all my friends for growing up (literally) faster, somehow at that age, I didn't know what a self-esteem was or what self-confidence was. Now, I'm 5' 9. I am not comfortable with disclosing my weight thank you. That number doesn't tell anybody who I am. No matter how large or how small it is, it won't show anybody how much better or worse I am. (this is getting too lengthy.)
Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. Why do girls fight for the attention of boys? Not all boys are worth that fight, yet I see it all the time. Its stupid dramatic girls, starting stupid drama, to have a stupid boy pay some attention to them. Feel wanted yet?
I guess what triggered whatever thought this post was supposed to be, was the initial "I can't find shit to wear, I'm sick of everything, I don't want to shop, I don't want to buy anything, I hate this."
Lovely right? Well, here's the thing. I can't find anything that I like AND fits me well. :[ and it sucks.
I don't want to be hiding myself under layers of baggy unflattering clothes. I want to feel confident in what I wear... and I want to feel pretty again.
I don't want to hide.
This is going to get confusing. I can tell.
I feel like I had what I am self conscious of with what I know I have and what I can show to people, which is my personality, my thoughts, my intelligence.
Just to clear this up- I'm self-conscious about my body.
Why? (don't tell me curvy is sexy or whatever shit.) I want to be fit. I can be more fit.
and that I am difficult to understand. I'm girly. I'm boyish. I'm tom-boyish. I love heals. I love getting down and dirty with things. I love getting to the grub. (kp) I hate getting dirt in my nails.
(oh btw, also don't give me the "everyone is self-conscious about something" crap. I don't want to hear it. I know that, I'm just saying what I'm self-conscious of and that I need to fucking admit it. Tape your trap.)
I mean, I am who I am. I like who I am for the most part. I strive on individuality while being able to relate to others but still stick out.
I guess, what gets to me is girly girls. No, stick skinny girly girls that "go with the flow" (or in my opinion, tag along like a little bitch)
It starts with weight. It's just a number. I know I would rather just be healthy and in shape than have to worry about being a certain number.
And then they're just the clothes people wear right? The color, cut, tone, brand makes a statement about yourself to the world before you even say a word. (significant or not is your opinion.) One girl that wears 00 abercrombie shorts complaining that they're too big and she's going for "the look" makes me feel like this "fashion" is a joke. I wear what I want, what I feel comfortable in, and what I feel comfortable presenting myself as. (even if it's presenting myself as a slob on occasions, I'll deal with it.) However, there are many girls that seem to never go a day wearing a shirt she's worn before or wearing sweats with a loose tee-shirt. Jealousy? possibly. Self-consciousness. Why can't I be more like her? Why do I set myself on a lower bar? Granted, I don't walk around everyday in sweats and a hoodie trying to hide from the world. Even though sometimes I feel that way, I try to look approachable, which should be satisfying enough, but what about actaully feeling pretty? When was the last time I felt pretty? When was the last time I took time to look good for myself? dissatisfied.
So I've covered weight, clothes... what about color? I want to get more specific about that. I am not the neon kind of person: the type of person that would wear an abundance of neon. I also don't do very much brown, tan, beige, etc. I don't feel like the colors from nature, aka neutral colors, have much of an effect on me. Color does in fact, effect my mood. I wear a lot of black. I wear a lot of dark colors. It's almost like I want to hide. I want to be hidden. Please don't notice me, but I want to be noticed. I want to stand out in a crowd of rushing people. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I want to feel comfortable with what I wear, which goes back to weight.
No, I don't think that "if I lost some weight I'd be happier." I think that, if the people that surrounded me took less notice at THEIR weight, I'd take less of a notice at mine. I'm the fucking 2nd heaviest person in my house now thanks to a mom like 5 inches shorter and an overachiever sister who loves to run. I know, stop being one of those people that just complain and do something about it. What's stopping me? Actually, you'd be surprised. The only motivation I can get is from myself. When I'm around "skinny people" I may actaully be intimidated to not be like everyone else, not be like them, not come off as a girly, picture perfect, kind of girl. I want edges. I have edges. I am "curvy"... or lately, I've heard "thick" also. See I wouldn't want to think of myself as curvy or thick, because I have a body of a normal person, I'm not supposed to be "heavy," no I'm not overweight by any means, but I might as well feel that way. I've always thought of myself as bigger. Being 5' 4 in 4th grade and at 100 pounds may have had an influence on me. Towering over all my friends for growing up (literally) faster, somehow at that age, I didn't know what a self-esteem was or what self-confidence was. Now, I'm 5' 9. I am not comfortable with disclosing my weight thank you. That number doesn't tell anybody who I am. No matter how large or how small it is, it won't show anybody how much better or worse I am. (this is getting too lengthy.)
Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys. Why do girls fight for the attention of boys? Not all boys are worth that fight, yet I see it all the time. Its stupid dramatic girls, starting stupid drama, to have a stupid boy pay some attention to them. Feel wanted yet?
I guess what triggered whatever thought this post was supposed to be, was the initial "I can't find shit to wear, I'm sick of everything, I don't want to shop, I don't want to buy anything, I hate this."
Lovely right? Well, here's the thing. I can't find anything that I like AND fits me well. :[ and it sucks.
I don't want to be hiding myself under layers of baggy unflattering clothes. I want to feel confident in what I wear... and I want to feel pretty again.
I don't want to hide.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I expected more from my first day of school.
and less homework.
-.-
OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.
i almost missed the bus today. only i was running after a different bus, that wasn't mine. awesome.
chem teacher has a monotone.
lock on locker getting fixed took 30 mins.
Highlighter AP Gov :]
My math teacher seems like a real byotch.
JOY JOY JOY.
junior year, hellooo.
and less homework.
-.-
OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING.
i almost missed the bus today. only i was running after a different bus, that wasn't mine. awesome.
chem teacher has a monotone.
lock on locker getting fixed took 30 mins.
Highlighter AP Gov :]
My math teacher seems like a real byotch.
JOY JOY JOY.
junior year, hellooo.
Monday, September 7, 2009
see you again next year, summmer
school tomorrow.
today is last day of summer.
i think it might rain.
a month less until homecoming
I got a dress. purple. pretty. Lord and Taylors (: lovelyyy!!!!
doing summer reading.
French, Joy Luck Club, Cuckoo's Nest.
=.=
Don't know what I'm wearing to school tomorrow, where my locker is, where my classes are.
have a good first day of school Michigan kidsss.
today is last day of summer.
i think it might rain.
a month less until homecoming
I got a dress. purple. pretty. Lord and Taylors (: lovelyyy!!!!
doing summer reading.
French, Joy Luck Club, Cuckoo's Nest.
=.=
Don't know what I'm wearing to school tomorrow, where my locker is, where my classes are.
have a good first day of school Michigan kidsss.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
wonder/listen
Wonder
When words arent enough, but no one but yourself can read your mind.
When even you don't know what is going through your head.
Thoughtless?
Aiming for what you need to get done.
Auto.
Music is just a distraction.
Tired, unhealthy, wanting.
listen.
its like.. reading a story with the montra or whatever as keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
and just picking up like, wow this guy has a serious anger problem.
neglect.
hate.
you will never understand.
its like i try and give you the chance to.
throw away.
assume.
ass out of you
and me.
shooting signals in the air.
is any body
listening?
i ask for a lot
expect a lot
i know i am
demanding
i've pretty much told every
person that's
ever wanted to get
involved with me
that i am not worth their time.
why?
sometimes it would be because i didn't want to be worth it. i didnt want to be told that im worth more than i should be with them.
i've heard... and have grown used to the thought
that i am worth more than i give myself credit for.
heartache, heartbreak, headache
is it worth it?
ilu.
fine don't believe me anymore.
dont put any faith in me.
like i said
im not worth it.
no i dont want you to leave.
i want you.
but i also want to be
more comfortable around you.
i dont want us to be
fucking
bipolar or some shit
around each other
one second happy, light, the next pissed defensive
seriously.
When words arent enough, but no one but yourself can read your mind.
When even you don't know what is going through your head.
Thoughtless?
Aiming for what you need to get done.
Auto.
Music is just a distraction.
Tired, unhealthy, wanting.
listen.
its like.. reading a story with the montra or whatever as keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
and just picking up like, wow this guy has a serious anger problem.
neglect.
hate.
you will never understand.
its like i try and give you the chance to.
throw away.
assume.
ass out of you
and me.
shooting signals in the air.
is any body
listening?
i ask for a lot
expect a lot
i know i am
demanding
i've pretty much told every
person that's
ever wanted to get
involved with me
that i am not worth their time.
why?
sometimes it would be because i didn't want to be worth it. i didnt want to be told that im worth more than i should be with them.
i've heard... and have grown used to the thought
that i am worth more than i give myself credit for.
heartache, heartbreak, headache
is it worth it?
ilu.
fine don't believe me anymore.
dont put any faith in me.
like i said
im not worth it.
no i dont want you to leave.
i want you.
but i also want to be
more comfortable around you.
i dont want us to be
fucking
bipolar or some shit
around each other
one second happy, light, the next pissed defensive
seriously.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
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