I will forever love this song.

How do you fall in love?




I question everything.
Nothing feels definite. One day it could all disappear.
I know not to take advantage of what you have, everything can be held of value.. even the bad things like pain.
I find that now more than ever, I am asking questions-- in search of answers.
College, friends, relationships, choices, decisions, leadership, independence, dependence, conflicts, interests, curiosity. They tell me that they don't get me. That they want to listen. They want to hear my story but what if, I don't want to speak. I choose to speak my thoughts only when I feel I should. I keep things to myself. I keep wondering.

Summer/School-
In fear, I am sad this summer is coming to an end. This year will be tough. I already know that. As I begin planning for the road ahead that I hope to take (yes, college-bound) it only feels like it is full of bumps, turns, and dead ends. Maybe it won't be... but right now that's all I'm seeing.
In curiosity, I am excited for this school year to begin. It has the potential to bring a lot; I have potential to bring a lot into this school year. Hopefully I will. New people, new lessons, new interests, new goals. New beginnings?

Relationships-
I am only looking for what I want, not what is halfway there for me. I don't want to get hurt along the way. I don't want to hurt you or anyone else along the way either. I don't like pain. I don't think you should experience it if you can help it/prevent it. Yes, I understand that the pain and hurt can make you stronger, it can bring us together to make us something stronger, but all the same- it hurts.
I want to feel love.

Friends-
I hope to find who I can dearly call a friend and who I can't. But what do I do with the people who I call friends, but really aren't? I am an overall outgoing person that doesn't stop for much. I care a lot about everyone even though sometimes I do not want to care. I overlook what I have because I'm too busy looking for what I want, which is only the best. I am happy to have one friend I can always turn to for anything. I am lucky to have someone like that in my life.

Myself-
My expectations are too high. Really. 36 on ACTs please? 4.0 GPA (yeah I think I can. I'm at a 3.5 right now) NHS, Junior Class President, art, French 4, AP's, social life?, SAT's+subject tests?, do a few college courses, school involvement, get a job, workout, stay in shape, be healthy.. the list DOES go on. Oh, how much I am looking forward to stressing myself out. I aim high. I'm the only person getting in my own way. I need to set my mind, body, soul straight and go for what I want. But if all I want is the best, why do I sell myself short sometimes? This year I will not let anyone get in my way to be all that I can be. I hope to be able to sustain relationships with the people I enjoy being around, the teachers that have helped me move along, administration that gets me out of class to help them out, and some random other people that just give me hugs and make my day a bit brighter.

I'm looking forward for the sun to rise again.


OH BUT I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO WAKING UP EARLY, MISSING THE BUS, and days where I just feel+look like shit (:
and the stress. the stress the stress the stress..
I'll handle it. Hopefully I wont need some random surgery bc my body decides not to function one day.

Two weeks until school starts.

Weird- when I started writing this, I knew I wanted to blog. But I thought I would keep it short. I guess not huh?

Tonight- Art class. then hopefully biggby's open mic night with friends.


I'm tired. I feel like someone is overbearing me. I feel like I need to let go of a few people in my life and set things straight. I feel stressed because I am behind in my work (act, summer reading, french hw, piano, etc.). I feel thankful for the people that can take me for who I am.

-Iris

Today I went for a walk
thinking about yesterday.
I realized yesterday would do today
so very little. And yesterday's pain
does today no good. Today can be
better, an improved version of yesterday;
or you could make today something completely new.


wow I think if I actaully listened to myself sometimes, I might do myself some good.
=P maybe.

Schedule 09-10

1 Drawing Fund.
2 AP Eng Lang/Comp- Pajak
3 French IV- Blain
4 Chemistry- Marchuk
5 AP Gov/Politics US- Copacia
6 ACC Trig- Morin

A lunch.

I hate when I start feeling cute...

cuze I should just expect it to be taken away. and I be thrown away. worthless, but what else should be expected. It's my fault. It always is- well not always but its not hard to believe that it is my fault and this time I know it is my damn fault. I'll try keeping the swearing low.
I'm pretty much just fucking upset right now. and really hurt. someone mend my broken fucking heart. well no. dont bother. dont fucking touch me. I think I deserve to be fucking alone through this. It's still up to you. You know where I stand. Now, I want to know where you stand.
You know you can just get rid of me, discard me. Leave me.
You know I am willing to change. I told you I don't change for other people. I'd be changing for myself in hopes of becoming a better person.
You know you can move on and forget about me, make me a pigment of your past or of your imagination whichever you wish.

I still feel a lot towards you and I don't want you to go.

You know when you find something you don't want to let go of, and it's not until they're about to leave that you realize how much you want them and how much you did wrong? =/ yeah well it's clicked. and I know not to let you go if I can help it.

Damn, I dont think Ive ever said that to anybody before. I'm always ready to let go, move on... i dont know why this time is different. well I know why. but.. ouch.
Part of me is thinking, just let it go if its going to hurt this much. another part of me is telling me to hold on bc I know it can be something good.


-peace.

If there ever is a tomorrow when we're not together,
there is something you must always remember- you are
braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter
than you think. But the most important thing is even if we are
apart, I'll always be with you.
- Winnie the Pooh

7.

Spinning- Jack's Mannequin

I remember the first time I opened up to anybody about myself. And I mean deep down, opening up. The only kind of opening up you do when you sincerely need someone to listen and to understand you. Or you don't but you just need to tell somebody. Well actaully, it was the second time. The first time I felt like I wasn't taken seriously. It was a quick sentence, muffled by crying and sniffling, barely heard, but I said what I needed someone to hear.
The second time, I started to cry when it came up. I was talking to you on the phone, and I slowly started to cry. I couldn't stop it. I told you slowly, repeating what I had just said because you couldn't understand what I had just said. It was a relief knowing that you were listening and that you cared. It has helped me more than you know. Since then, I've dropped more little bits of me along the path. I'm still here... holding onto parts of me that I don't know when to let go.
Thankyou.

-Iris

fuckShopping

I hope this doesn't sound materialistic or something. Lately shopping has sucked for me. Maybe its because I still seek for my mother's (well parents) approval in pretty much everything in some way and my mom pretty much (for the most part) is more lacking in fashion in comparison to me. Maybe it IS the economy that has changed the way I look at spending money on fashion.
I went shopping today for like 3 hours with my mom, I bought Godiva chocolate. That was it.
I saw things that I liked, but I knew I didn't need. [I have two dresser and a closet full of clothes. literally FULL- like I literally have to find ways to fit anything in them] Things I knew, would fit me, I would adore wearing and stuff, but just for some reason didn't find fit to buy it-- and for some reason that really bothers me. I feel like I haven't bought anything new in awhile. Almost as if to say like where's my style gone? Do I not care anymore? I mean I still put somewhat of an effort to look "decent" (no for some reason I don't want to say "good" because I just don't feel it.) but there's so much more I could do. Maybe it is the money part. I don't wanna be wasting my parents money on clothes that really won't matter as much as the education they'll be paying for in two years.

Maybe.

I used to use shopping as an excuse to buy things to get over my feelings. (haha early indicators of a shopaholic? maybe. but I have enough control and resistance to temptation I think :P ) Now my escape is music. Shopping has only become somewhat of an accessory to life, something not really needed but I still want it there.
I don't know why I wrote this. I've been feeling down lately. I wanna buy everything. or nothing at all. So I stick to nothing, knowing that buying whatever it is will still leave an empty void in me; why bother? Fuck I soundd pathetic. Deal with it. I have strange thoughts attached to emotions.

I guess this sounds weird coming from me. I feel like it is. I feel like whatever it is I am feeling I need to express and I am still learning how in ways I'm unsure of.

peace.

On the Brightside

"you're only as tall
as your heart will let you be
and you're only as small as the world will make you seem
and when the going gets rough
and you feel like you may fall
just look on the bright side
your roughly six feet tall"
On the Brightside- nevershoutnever!


Icy hot (hot hot hot) Patches. Group 1 (2007)
(Clockwise starting at the way left: Josh, Jeff, Will, Alicia, Me, Derrick[cut off a bit in this photo-might repost a pic] Nicole, Bettina)
You know when you feel like you've lost connection with everyone, everything? You're in your own bubble. Maybe you don't have a care in the world with the lonely feeling- in some people's eyes it could be independence; maybe you hate that your in your own space though, but then you go along with life and you somehow (or hopefully) find that person or those people that make you feel like okay that you lost connection because you know you can bring it all back.

Although Howard can just be super awkward at times (or outright hilarious), this is one of my fave pics with someone else. Someone that did something very little, but somehow made a difference in my life. So tiny and insignificant maybe, but something that can still make me randomly smile and remind me that there is someone out there that remembers something little and insignificant that you did and is thinking of you.

(me, Harry, Stephanie)
Getting over , starting over, something new.
I'm glad we are able to accept second chances. (most of us anyways, and in situations that you can.) We came off different paths last year, and ended up on the same one this year as we came together again. We were able to move on, move forward, and I'm glad we have. It's like coming together after a few years and realizing we were always on the same page. (I'm always here to listen.)
Sometimes I get the feeling of deja-vu when I meet someone new that gives me the feeling I used to get from an old friend or someone that used to be in my life. It's not a bad feeling if that person that you're thinking of gave you comfort and security (that person as a friend anyways.) It reminded me of my first year when I was so high up in enthusiasm and felt like I couldn't be more free. It reminded me of why I came to love this place called TAF as much as I do and how I came to feel that TAF was a safe haven. Your openness and friendliness couldn't help but make me smile. It made me want to go back when I was so care-free about life and everything going on around me. However, it also made me realize how I've changed since TAF, partly how I changed because of TAF, and why TAF has changed me. Growing up isn't a bad thing. haha We all have to in time. Even though times can be hard, super hard, and even harder, you come out in the end. You reminded me of me in a way which was why I was so happy to meet you this year.
I know I'm not great with words.. I try.
VIVA LOVE FOREVER.

*btw this post is kinda deep for me for not being mad (I write pretty deep when I'm mad, just never in too much detail.) I'm not sure if I like it too much-I mean the writing. uhm and omg SO many pictures to choose from, it was kinda hard. so you'll probably see those pics coming up slowly. probably, that's not definite though. maybe I'll have a post of JUST pictures. but that might bore you. haha peacelove. <3

hohope.

Ever think how much you would lose if you didn't have hope?
Ever realize how much you gain just by having it there?

I like to think that I rely on hope to get through life...


________________________________________

"Someone I Relied In
by Shane Michael Clouthier- aka Shane the Poet.
visit his works at http://iam.shanethepoet.com/
or http://shanethepoet.com/

and the words that you showed me were mistaken
the baby blue shirt that you moved away from my hands
and our backs sat there while our mouths made love

and I could have thought for a moment that I was safe in this cabinet
but I threw you aside the china and tore your back up with a nice piece of
glass

with out a shower to use, a second seemed to be a minute
and we made out like bandits
the baby blue sky dimmed to purple haze, covered by black clouds
and our backs just sat there while our mouths made love

regardless of how far you could toss me, I was outside of your zone
nothing could stop us, not even the phone

it wasn't making love anymore, it was just kidding around
maybe somewhere else there would be a need for this kind of passion
but this car is speeding down a 15
and our backs just sat there while our eyes made love

holding on to your hands, the hatred for me slowly faded away
because we both know it was never worth it

if you could have seen the sky turn pink tonight in this galaxy
maybe somewhere else, from a telescope you would know why I have
started to fall asleep with your song in my head
and our backs just sat there while our hearts made out like bandits

like someone I relied in, your name was no longer a metaphor
I just had you backwards on the table"

__________________________________________

keep hope.


Today: Student Council Junior class meeting at emilia's whoever's idea it was to have the meeting wasted our 90 minutes in my opinion. We got it all done in like 40 minutes tops. True, we got things cleared up in time, reminders, more stuff out on the table, a bit of better communication, but was it really necessary? whatever. whats done is done right? Anyways, it was a good excuse to hang out with a few good friends that I never seem to get a chance to outside of council.

Toronto/Thousand Islands NY Sunday through Tuesday.
Maybe I'll update before then maybe not.

quick. likeee one thing.

Celebration Dance (Aug 1, 2009)

TAF '09 (weekend)
glad I went. BET YOU CANT FIND ME IN THAT PHOTO (but I AM in it!)
probably more later once I get everything up (pictures+videos)