Distraught

They don't want me dead.
but it doesn't feel like they want me alive either.
You talk in circles, as do I. Yours lead to nowhere with points that only increase my feelings of emptiness.
I want to bleed. I want to hurt. I do not know what it is anymore.
You ask me why I think I need help. I tell you because I feel empty inside.
You tell me that I am the only one that can change me.
Yet you were the one that had asked if I wanted help. I had angrily said no that time.
I ask you now that I want help. You tell me I am the only one that can change me.
You do not say no. You ask why I think I need help. I say because I am lost. Because I feel like now I do not do things out of love or anything near that but just to finish them because I know I have to.

What do you want?
You say that on Friday I was fine.
I tell you that I was. I felt happy.
that I am hella good at hiding.
I know I am.
You tell me that sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I am angry.
You make it sound like it is just a phase.
You make it sound like it will pass.
WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND.
search back a good 9 months back.
do you realize that IT HASN'T CHANGED?

I want to bleed.
I want to feel pain.
I want to stop crying.

I am alone.
I want me to talk to you.
I talk.
I speak.
I ask.
I listen.

It's like you want me to just hide away all my feelings.
suck it up. as I have been for the past. The past what? 6 years?

You say I'm too angry.
Yet your the one that starts raising your voice.

I feel like your mocking me now.
You request that I go to you to seek help.
I listen.
I get nothing.
I feel insulted.
I feel hurt.
I feel neglected.
but I am not neglected.
I am angry again.

but then again, that's all I think.
you want me to take you seriously
for me to take myself seriously
but then you oppose that with just the opposite.

Tear me up.
I'll scream.

I am sick of hearing this same conversation this entire time.
Over and over again.
I cry just because we're having the same conversation.
still. with time you say it will change.
you say it still hasn't been enough time.
I say there hasn't been any change.


I lie. I lie to you. You who are reading this.
"I am fine." Whether you believe it or not I do not know. Does it matter? barely.
Whether you care or not. I do not know if I want to know.

There is something wrong with me.
:[ There's no helping hand that I wanna hold.
I am scared for myself.


I cry.
I say, my voice finally raising.
Fine. I don't need help.
As I fresh tears burst from my eyes.
I quickly turn.
Take a deep intake breath.
and tears stop.

I am shaking in fear.
What am I afraid of?
figure it out.
What do I want?
Everything.
What do I need?
peace love and happiness.

How am I?
I am very distraught.