my teeth feel like they're rotting.

she told me i was angry
and depressed
and that she cared about me
and thought i needed help
and wanted me to get help.


have i changed ?

"first to fall, last to know."

-Heels Over Head, Boys Like Girls

This is the worst time to
turn to me, meet me, talk to me.
in my opinion anyways...

I sorta just wanna escape.
take a deep breathe
or two.
lay down.
before rejoining reality.

I don't really wanna talk. like it feels like there is nothing i want to say to you. i'm just waiting for some time to pass.

thanks for trying to relieve me some, actually thanks a lot
but you only got me thinking some more.
I'm unsure right now..

btw halloween's in two days :]
damn +& i still need to get hc pics up on fb. lol

Fear of Dinosaurs

Ornithoscelidaphobia

friend.

have you ever thought that all you wanted was someone to talk to?
srsly.

be in a room full of people.
be completely alone.

yeah,noooooo

"Because you told me I was beautiful.
Because you lied."

renew

lets start with

one. Homecoming was a blast. We had a party bus, and boy did we party. Yes I was above the influence. I beat boys at chugging. I dance like a skank. Do something about it. :P

two. Can you have trust without being honest?

three. I started things over with my mom. Well, I am going to try to. I think this is my last chance to really try.

four. I have a hard time accepting that someone else cares about me or loves me. I don't know why.

five. I am changing. I love, I hate, I struggle. More than ever, I need the support of those around me. I need the motivation.

six. I am unhealthy. I am slowly trying to get better.

seven. I have found myself. Now all I need to do is make it the best it can be. I need hope.


Homecoming was amazing :]

money

Do you not hate how so much of today's society depends on money?
The govt's bail out plan bugs me.
I don't think they should have gotten involved. Then again, I don't know much on the topic just the relative ideas, soo.. yeah.

Homecoming-
I am super excited for it.
but it's seriously adding up.
like +300 easily.
which makes me feel bad cuze my parents get to pay for ALL of it.
and I'm just the lil bitch that gets it :/
:[ I know that I am spoiled by my parents. I hate having to rely on them and feel bad when at shitty economic times like these, I continue emptying their wallet.
damn.


I feel like shit.
My parent's (MOTHER) doesn't trust me.
and she'll fucking SNOOP instead of just asking me.
Fuck.
I HATE THAT A LOT.
and yeah, it pisses me the fuck off.
To add on to that, she won't tell me what's on her mind she'll just make me feel guilty FOR NO FUCKING REASON.
yeah.
and I'll be at home alone, and she fucking calls like every 30 minutes.
Its annoying.
I don't care if you're like "well their your parents, they wanna make sure your okay" fuck it.
No. I don't give a fuck about that. I wanna just lead my fucking life.

UGH
most of the time.
i just want YOU to leave me the fuck alone.
there's a hella lotta 'yous' srry.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK.

beauty pageant dropout

looks aren't everything.
beauty isn't always as beautiful as what meet the eye.
I'll follow up on this later.

play list.

Do you get it?
It's not just you.
It's probably more me than you.
I'd hate to think it's you.

I don't want to risk myself. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to you.
You can make me feel so different like maybe for a split second, I'm not alone. Just a second. It seems to go away just as quick.

Sadly, I have come to the realization of what I have been doing- to myself.
It sucks. Who am I harming/putting at risk?
Only me.

This so called '' play list" I want to over come it.
No, not by doing everybody on that list.
I don't want that list. It's like I know what you want. I want the same thing
but I want something, someone to be there for me.
and I mean really be there for once for me for a conversation but still more.
Incomplete?

Boys. that's the 'you'
the play list.
you could be on it.
(it's two words in this sense. think about it, you might get it.)

Zach told me, just stop it then if you don't want to go on like this anymore.
I can. but I can't. I need something to fill that if I am going to stop and this is hurting me emotionally as opposed to physically.

Someone fill that empty space. in my mind&heart.


listen to:
-Chemistry of a Car Crash- Shiny Toy Cars
-Lovely- Breathe Carolina (one of my faves:)

Iris was here.

to whom it may concern. lol

i like you
but i dont wanna like you
I especially dont want to fall for you.

no, not that i dont think we'd work out just fine
but because I dont wanna risk it and i'm not sure if you'd be worth it if anything.


prove me wrong.

____________________


I put my heart out on a string.
no, I don't receive much in return
I've sorta lost that expectancy from you sadly.


I've put my heart out on a string seeing how you'd react.

I put my soul out
for you to hear me speak of the truth
I don't want to hear an "I'm sorry, Iris"

Don't let your lips say my name if that is all you are going to say.


love me
hate me.

care about me?

you wont ever believe me
or ever understand me
don't count on it
unless if you really are something
amazing.

HC dresses.

I couldn't think of a title for this blog. mostly because the only reason I'm writing is because I want to, there will be no true purpose that I know of as I'm typing this. :] haha

That being said,
there is a lot on my mind. and yeah I mean A LOT.
no one has taken that load off. Someone has relaxed it a little bit though (KP+HM) Thank you.

Visited Tiffany today.

Got two dresses for homecoming yesterday
Super cute.
I don't know which one I'm going to choose but I guess we'll find out by October 11th!

btw, I don't have a date.. yet ;P
haha

okay so homework is hard.
life's been a muthfucking rollarcoaster

oh yeah and I'm sorry if I say and repeat things too much..

plug and chug.


peace/

RNDMAUTOBIO

The homework assignment was "random autobiography"
Here's how mine turned out... it's not half bad either lol. in my opinion anyways.

Random Autobiography

I want to be

more than what

anyone thinks

I can be. Make me

smile, laugh, struggle.

Challenge me.

I want to strive

between the lines

of endearment and

success. Keep me motivated.

I will make mistakes

just like

anyone else. You say forgive

and forget.

I’ll forgive. I won’t

forget. I will not

make the same mistake

twice, if

I can help it.

I can do

the unexpected.

Like making

space for

everything

and everyone.

It’s worth taking

a risk sometimes.

I like adventures and

being in

open space.

A hot summer

afternoon or rainy

Sundays are my favorite.

Cuddling with a book

in one hand

and waiting for

a phone call is usually

how it goes.

I am ambitious.

I dream things

bigger than what

Walt Disney could

possibly dream of.

I make wishes at 11:11,

none of them

have come true,

yet.

Happiness is a

first for me, even

if I do not always

have it.

I will hide it behind

a smile.

Spread peace.

I am

Taiwanese- American.

I am part of the Taiwanese-

American Foundation (TAF).

It is a big part

of who I am.

I like to

learn new things

and take

things from every

experience.

Don’t waste my time.

Let me be

who I want to be,

only myself.

I try not to

judge people

before I get

the chance to know

them.

I give people

too many chances.

I hope for

the best in

everyone.

“The greatest thing

you’ll ever learn

is just to love

and be loved

in return,” Moulin

Rouge. In my opinion,

one of the greatest

movies out there.

Some say otherwise.

I am open-minded,

but I can be

stubborn.

Let’s believe

in reality.

but still give

ourselves the

pleasure to

believe in

something else

we want in life.

I live each day.

I move

on to the next.

Dream big. Fall hard.

Sometimes,

getting back up

is worth it.

Iris ---

09/02/08