BAM! &happiness. Does this come in a bottle?

it's interesting how one or two people can instantly change my mood. put them in the same vicinity and BAM. its like instant happiness. lol
Nina and Joe. thanks for that. I needed that today.
(:

hurt comes back.

Remember all that time you just kept to yourself to avoid not getting hurt.
and then next thing you know
it all comes back to you
whether its 6 years, 9 months or 3 weeks ago
you're surprised it came back.
How did you get back in?
I wanted you to be far far away.
I never wanted to hear from you again.
and now, you're back.
and tears fall down my face.
You, who offered me the world, and so much more
you found a way to hurt me.

I want to be left alone.

I am not one of those people who love themselves for one reason or another. I struggle with myself and everyone around me to find a place where I fit in. this is a constant struggle. I keep things to myself, realizing that no one would be able to make a difference either way. It's the outside. It's the inside. Either way, it hurts and this pain, doesn't seem to stop.
I cover it up, everyday, or find something that fills its gap. Maybe its love, maybe its loneliness, whatever it is, I hide it. Maybe I see it like a flaw, something I can't fix. I want to get rid of it. I want to fill it. It's the feeling of being unsatisfied. No matter how far I try to excel, it gets me nowhere. That feeling of achievement never comes. No matter how much I do to please you, it isn't enough to reach your level of satisfaction. I'm left with no feeling of content. No help, no use, gone.
I have problems. I have dropped bits and pieces of it along the way, but no one knows it all. Maybe I'm happy having it that way. Maybe I hate it. I don't like the idea of someone knowing everything about me unless if I know they will stick around. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve.
What do you expect me to do? Stay home and study. FUCK OFF. I want to live a little bit. I don't want to be nailed to my desk and piano bench and confined to it. I am not someone that hangs around with all girls either, except that some of my friends are guys. Except that I'm not content with my life. Dammit, be there for me.
But I just push you away.

Its like empty tears.
Why am I crying.
again.

If you expected me to go out tonight, and I told you I would find something to do, you make a whole bitchfit when I tell you that a friend can drive or pick me up. Why? dad's available, he can drive its convenient. Why can't I drive with my friends instead of being stuck with you feeling uncomfortable like everything I do is just WRONG.

FUCK OFF. seriously. that's it
Leave me alone.
Let me be.

hell no.
that will
never happen

your feeling of content will never get us anywhere. It holds me back. It suffocates me.
So maybe times, I'd rather be dead than have to bear through these feelings.

just those times, when I want to be a normal kid with normal mediocre feelings and mediocre standards, I want to be able to do what I want.
fuck it.
it doesn't matter anyways.
GET THE FUCK OVER IT -.-

leave me alone.
I want to delete this.
shutup.

and he said, "Let's play a game."

This weekend has been the greatest in soo long. (minus 2 details. 1 death, and 1 where are you?)
Yesterday me and some friends went to Slaughter at Sundown. Where everyone around me endured a night full of sexual comments and singing random songs.
(walking through a haunted house telling ppl "I'M IN MIAMI.. *BITCH")
and then going on the hayride telling those ppl they had herpes, they were too short, introducing myself as Nicole, that goes to Eisenhower, asking them if they were horny, telling them to bite me... and it went on.
Afterwards, we journeyed to TACO BELL. where we met up with Christos. Our conversation became too noisy and we were warned that if we didn't keep our voices down, we would be kicked out.
We decided to leave, and went to explore the aisles of Wal-Mart. We found nothing interesting but a cute older man buying alcohol. I say cute as in, Can you bring me home with you?, cute.
Jake and I creeped on the older men.
We soon needed something to do. (and they say I have ADD) so we drove on to my house.


like how formal I made that all sound? or tried.
I'm still not thinking straight.

and then tomorrow. well its monday
and it is going to be cold.
its guna suck.
its guna be monday why else?

so I hope everyone had an exciting weekend.
Those who went to homecoming, I hope you had a great homecoming.

so now, I think I'm going to take a hot shower and jump into my warm bed.



*THIS POST has been edited and excludes some thoughts. kay peace.

I don't know where you are right now..
but I will remember all that you taught me.
I love you.

Heaven Can Wait

Stay with me.

Tonight's guna be a good night.?

I just got back from decorating the school for Homecoming tonight! It looks sickk (: I had a great idea, and we used it and it really loooks great and adds to it. yeah I had a monster this morning. My stummy may not feel too good later. whatever.
I woke up this morning all groggy, and like unsure of what day it was and what I had to get done today. "what day is it?" "it's Saturday." "when's homecoming?"
That bitch mrs. spenser-aka new assistant (ASS) principle-aka the bitch- dress coded apparently like 200 kids yesterday motherfucking bitch. if we wanna dress like a hoe, let us. I get the whole profanity in school thing yaknow may bother people, but seriously like just put tape over it and no one gives a fuck. Don't go ripping up their fucking shirts bitch. they put time, energy and money into it and it actaully meant something to some people. Yes, they didn't follow the dress code exactly, but really? to react that way? Mrs. Spenser we all want you to get hit by a bus (:
(no really, we were talking about it while we were decorating, we really do. we'd even help by pushing her into one :P ) Yes... she is that bad. Mrs. Hiede never dress coded us this bad. She'd respect that we have the freedom to wear what we want, but that we still need to respect the school's guidelines. then this bitch walks in, and tries to change things and run her school with her no-name pant suit (YES like hilary clinton pant suit) and shoots down the spirit this school has left. At the game last night, there def was not as much spirit and people dressing up for it cuze she fucking shot us all down.
UGH. -.- fucking administration.
(sorry for the colorful language, I know its not necessary, but if you met this lady, you would know.) She let the Juniors choose between saturday school and suspension and gave the Senior no choice- just suspension. Unfair much? "sophomores and juniors get on your knees, you have seniors to please" I lol'd at it, I didn't mind. Last year's "it's better on top" got suspension mon-wed. this year, this girl got fri- mon-tue which means no homecoming. Poor thing, seriously that's just mean. And who's really offended by it? Seniors have shown more spirit than the rest of us this year, only encouraging us to support the school and our grade. Administration- MRS SPENSER. fuckofflady.
oh and then at first cuchi was just like, put tape over the fowl language. and then spenser walks in and is like, that's not guna work. and makes them change. Omg susie rocked. Spenser was like, take off your shirt. susie just like took her shirt off and was standing in the office with her bra on, and was like okay, now gimme a shirt.
Nicole and Shanna, you got the worse ends of it.
Seniors and the rest of Ike, goodluck getting rid of her.
This is what we talk about in student council. lol :P

Getting ready for hc tonight.
I'm pretty excited, but we'll see how well it goes.
peace.

hopefully pics later this week whenever?
lol