Don't Die With Your Music Still In You

Don’t Die With Your Music Still In You
January 8th, 2005 by Steve Pavlina

What if you currently live a very comfortable lifestyle and you have a lot of assets? How can you justify running off to do what truly makes you happy if it might put all your current assets at risk?

Here’s my take on this….

To abandon a comfortable lifestyle that isn’t deeply fulfilling is to abandon nothing. There’s nothing of real substance there to protect. An income, a car, a house, or a lifestyle are not worth protecting if the cost of such protection is your own fulfillment and happiness. People who achieve some of the external trappings of success without internal fulfillment are only living an illusion when they tell themselves they have something of value to protect. In most cases the feeling that there’s something to protect is just an excuse used to avoid facing the real fear — that maybe all this stuff isn’t really worth anything compared to what’s being lost… that maybe I should be living more boldly and not be so concerned about what happens to all my stuff.

I currently have some material stuff in my life. I have a business, computers, a car that’s fully paid for, and my wife and I are closing escrow on a new home we’ve bought. But that’s all just stuff. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have any real value. I’d gladly give it all up and live in a shack if that was the price I’d have to pay to live my mission. I want my life to have had more value than just acquiring stuff and living comfortably. I may die rich, or I may die broke. But I won’t die with my music still in me.

After all, why are we here? Is it to acquire stuff, live a comfortable lifestyle, make our families as comfortable as possible, and then die? Whether there’s an afterlife or not, one thing is clear — we can’t take any of that stuff with us. Our comfortable lifestyle has no power to endure.

And here’s the worst part. While you’re working so hard to acquire and protect all that stuff, you could die unexpectedly. You might die today. You might die tomorrow. Maybe you won’t die for another 70 years. Maybe your consciousness will be transferred into an android body a few decades from now, but you could still be destroyed in an accident, even if you make a backup of yourself. At least in the present, you’re still vulnerable. Death happens to people every day. 150,000+ people died from the quake and tsunami in Southeast Asia. How many of them knew at the beginning of December 2004 that they only had a few weeks left to live? And look what happened to all the stuff those people acquired — destroyed. Fisherman or tourist — it doesn’t matter. We all end up the same way.

So what is the point of a life dedicated to the acquisition and protection of stuff? All of your money and possessions can be taken away from you by forces outside your control. No matter how many asset protection techniques you apply, you can never guarantee full security of your stuff. It’s perpetually vulnerable. There can be no true security then in a life based on the acquisition and protection of stuff.

So what have you got to lose? What are you truly risking if you go after your dreams? If your current lifestyle is unfulfilling, then you’re starting broke, no matter how much money you have. It doesn’t matter if you start with $0 or $1 million. You have nothing to lose either way. Money and material assets are just resources to use while you’re here — you can’t take them with you. You’re only a temporary steward of the money and possessions that pass through your life. So when you risk money, you don’t risk anything of any enduring value. Earn money, lose money, invest money. But don’t make material objects more important than your own fulfillment and happiness.

If you’re sitting behind a desk working at a job you hate in order to protect your current lifestyle, you are protecting nothing. Isn’t there a part of you, deep inside, that wants to just walk away from all of that junk and start really living? Can you feel how empty and hollow your days are, how devoid of meaning? Have you forgotten what it’s like to really live a day that fulfills you deeply as a human being? Look around your home at all your stuff. Recognize that in the long run, it will all eventually end up as dust. None of it will endure. It’s all temporary. Your house will eventually crumble. Your car will wind up in a junkyard. You cannot permanently keep any of this stuff. Eventually you’re going to lose it all. Or it will lose you.

So what kind of life is that — one that’s dedicated to the guarding of dust? Is that what you want your life to be about? If you feel there’s any purpose to your existence as a human being, then is this it?

Life is just too precious to waste. If you are spending your days working at a job that isn’t deeply fulfilling to you, then you’re spending your days guarding dust. There’s no real value there. Stuff cannot fulfill you. Ultimately it will only distract you from living on purpose.

What does it mean to really live? Deep down, you already have a sense of the direction where this answer lies for you. Ultimately, it’s a choice. You’re totally free to live the kind of life you want. But you’ll know you’re really living when you would live pretty much the same way even if you knew you only had 18 months left. If you would make some big changes in your life upon learning that you only had 18 months to live, then why not make those changes now? Someone reading this blog entry probably has less than 18 months to live. Maybe it’s you.

Live for what is real to you. Live for what truly matters to you.

What matters to me — what is real to me — is inspiring and helping people. Directly or indirectly, whenever I’m able to help someone solve a really tough problem or to motivate someone to finally push past a big obstacle, that is something I find tremendously fulfilling. And the fulfillment I get from doing this is so great that it trumps all the external stuff. It doesn’t matter how much money I make. It doesn’t matter if people reject my ideas or poke fun at what I enjoy doing. This blog entry may be read by over 1000 people, but it may be such that the ideas within are only able to help one person in a very small way. The other 999 may conclude I’m nuts and unsubscribe. And that’s fine. It’s that one person I’m writing for.

But at the same time, starting from the point of spending each day doing something that fulfills me, I’m building this work into a business that can support and sustain me and my family. This will ultimately include paid speaking engagements, and information products like books and audio programs. So I’m starting with doing what I love and building it into a source of income. The more money the business generates, the more people I’m ultimately able to reach. So making money is aligned with my own personal fulfillment — they aren’t at odds with each other. If you do what you love, then you can surely find a way to turn it into an income stream — then the more money you make, the more you expand your capacity to continue doing what you love in bigger and bigger ways.

Taking what you love to do and turning it into a source of income, either as an employee or an entrepreneur, seems hard to resist. If you’re going to spend so much time working to make money, why not make that money in the pursuit of your dreams instead of in the protection of dust?

What does your current to do list look like? Is it filled with tasks that aren’t even real to you? Are you typing stuff that doesn’t matter, going to soulless meetings, shuffling papers and filling out forms to appease computers, while sitting in a Dilbert-style cage all day? Why do you continue to choose that life each day? You’re always free to stop at any time. You make the rules.

What percentage of the tasks on your to do list will fulfill you deeply to do them? What kind of to do list would be real to you? What items might it contain? Compose a new piece of music. Write something inspiring and share it with others. Give your spouse a massage. Exercise. Play with your kids. Make a snowman in Las Vegas (my wife did this one yesterday). Clear out some clutter. Read a really great book. Audition for a local play. Start your own business. Tell your boss, “Talk to the hand. I don’t do soulless work anymore.” Do something that leaves you feeling at the end of the day that you really contributed the best of yourself. Don’t die with your music still in you.

x anything?
-Iris

Moulin Rouge

Favorite Quote. One of my favorite movies. <3

Appendicitis

maybe this is for me to remember, maybe this is for you to stop asking me what happened, maybe this is to fill you in on what happened.
maybe.

On Monday May 4, I had my appendix removed.

It started with a pain on my lower right hand side above my hip bone. It hurt more than it should have. This started the week previous to May 4. I said it hurt. Before I had this strange pain, I had cramps, so I thought that it would go away. On May 1 until the 4th I had excruciating pain. It literally felt like someone had stabbed me. I would wake up in tears from the pain. On the morning of May 4, I woke up feeling like my body was just going to collapse. I told my mom I was not going to school. She told me she was going to take me to the doctors. I went back to bed.

I woke back up at 9. I was at the doctor's by 10. She said she thought I might have appendicitis. I didn't know what that was, but she told me that I needed to go to the hospital to get blood work to see if my white-blood cells were high. It would only take two hours to process there.

I went to the Henry Ford Hospital. I could barely walk. It sucked. I didn't have my phone or ipod on me. I was stuck with this feeling. After waiting in the out-patient waiting room for about an hour, paper work was done and my blood was drawn. Then I went home to eat some chicken noodle soup.

I had a dentist appointment at 2:30, so I went. My dentists are really nice. I told them about my morning and they were shocked. The pain was less when I didn't move around too much. Sitting in the dentists chair, I was alright.

While I was getting my teeth cleaned, my doctor called my mom to tell tell her that my white blood cells were higher than normal but not abnormally hight. She told me to go to the ER to get a CT scan so they could diagnose me farther. [My doctor's husband is a surgeon at the Henry Ford.] I went straight from the dentists to the hospital. I went to sign in or whatever and was pointed to the waiting room. It was about 4 when I got there. Two hours later, I was finally relocated to a room where a doctor came in to ask questions and tell me what was going to happen. He used his hands to apply pressure on where it hurt. Oh, it fucking hurt. :[
Then I had an IV poked into me. I cried but then had a really cool wave of cold idk, liquid going through the IV tube. Interesting feeling. Not bad either for someone who was a bit tense.

I sat there and watched CSI [figures] while waiting for my CT scan. My mom and dad were waiting too. My sister dropped by for a bit, too. She left after I went into surgery. At around 8, I went to get my CT scan. The guy there was really cool. He was kind of funny and telling me too much information as to what was going to happen but he definately kept me relaxed. [ I'm one that doens't really want to know what he's putting in me or what I'm going to feel like or what the machine is going to show... I was just like do it and tell me later so I don't freak out now. Once it's done, it's done.] The machine got me feeling dizzy. I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. My mouth had the taste of nickle because of one of the things they shot through the IV. I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me.

When the CT scan was completed I rolled back to my room. I watched some Two and a Half Men. Then the doctor came back in to tell me that the results of my CT scan looked like appendicitis but he never really varified that with me. Soon the guy that was going to do the surgery if I needed one came in and told me I was going to have surgery that night to have my appendix removed as soon as possible.

At around 11 oh clock that night, I went to prep for surgery. They checked my vitals one more time. Asked me questions. Gave me some sticky thing to drink for the anesthesia. I met the surgeon guy again and my anesthesiologist, as well as the guy that would be controlling my medicine, who by the way was really amusing. I may or may not have been flirting. I just remember thinking he was cute. lol Then I was wheeled off to the surgery room where I was strapped down, my arms and my legs. It may have been uncomfortable, but within like 5 minutes I was out from the anesthetics. [good feeling btw, I was still talking I think when I went out. haha]

When I woke up, I asked for the time and complained that I "felt like shit." The nurse told me it was about 2 AM. I was sort of surprised. I remember hearing the beeping of the heart moniters, too. I don't remember if I fell asleep again or what, but the next thing I remember was being in a different room where I had my IV tube which made my arm feel heavy, those nose/air tube things, and I felt like I couldn't move. Oh and I continued to tell the kind nurses that I felt like shit. I think they were checking my vitals or my blood or my heart rate. I don't really remember. I started complaining of the air thing they put to your nose. I thought it was so uncomfortable. I told them that it bugged me. I didn't like it. I felt like shit [needless to say, I repeated that a lot.] I felt so heavy though like to lift my finger was going to be a struggle, so I didn't move. It might have been then that a nurse came in to take my blood but she couldnt get a vein. She poked me about 4 times in the part inside your elbow, unsuccessful. She tried the vein by my thumb, I told her it hurt when she poked me. She said my vein was rolling and then she poked like my muscle and I started talking nonesense and crying about how bad it hurt and how I didn't like it. I was getting so pissed. She called had called in another nurse by then. Then one of them had the idea that they could just get it from my IV tube. So she did and she was done. Oh, but the arm they were poking at later bruised :[ . I don't know why she couldn't get blood out of me. I told my normal nurse that was there [I think her name was Chris?] and she was surprised because the two nurses were "very good." idk, doesn't tension make it harder when they're trying to extract blood or something? :/

My mom stayed with me for the night. My dad left because he was getting too exhausted. Both of them took Tuesday off to stay with me. My dad came at I think around 6. My mom left around ten to catch up on some sleep. She later came back and brought my sister. I remember having to pee really bad and not wanting to get up to the bathroom which was only across the room. I had to go, so I forced myself up to go. It was hard because I have the IV thing and I hadn't walked in like 15 hours and I just had surgery. :/ Needless to say, my trip to the bathroom took longer to get there than it did to pee [but it hurt to pee too!] Then the surgeon guy came in and told me that the surgery was more extensive than it was supposed to be because my appendix had already burst but the way my body had reacted to it was by isolating it from the rest of my body with some ball of like fat. [sounds gross. but hey whatever, I saved my own life in a way.] If an appendix bursts, usually within the first 48 hours if you don't seek to get surgery and stuff, you can easily die from the poisons. He said I was lucky to be here. Then he continued to explain that my appendix had also been in the wrong place which was why they had to go in with one big cut rather than 3 little ones to get it out. [ three holes would have less scarring but because there would be no way to reach my appendix...] So there's a totally medical term for what happend, but do you really think that I would remember?

At around lunch I made phone calls to a few people just letting them know I would not be at school the rest of the week. Later that week I would email my teachers letting them know the reason for my absence.

I got my vitals checked regurally, and I complained about wanting fooooooood like no other. I could only "eat" crushed ice. I kept falling asleep. I was uncomfortable in most positions. When I did wake up, it was to use the bathroom, then back to bed. Sometimes it would be a nurse checking my vitals again. Occassionally, I'd be in the bed talking to my parents, asking a few questions before I fell back asleep. The nurses kept trying to encourage me to get up and walk around because in the surgery they pumped gas into me to like see things better or something? so the way to get it out was to walk around and get my body moving and my blood flowing again? haha I think that's what the nurses told me. haha Well it was a bitch to walk around and hold the thing my IV was on. I was feeling nauseous from all the medication they were giving me, though there was just about no any pain just a lot of uncomfortable-ness.

Later that afternoon/evening I started asking about when I could get back home. They said I could that very day if I was comfortable with it. I wanted to get out of the hospital. I felt so tired there! My mom asked if I was sure, I said yes. oh yeah, I had two tubes in me still, drainage tubes for the nasty stuff that might have been left from my burst appendix. At around 6 they finally gave me food!! I was on an all liquid diet [for about 4 days] so I got stuff like jell-o, surburt, chicken broth, and juice but still, food! lol. and after I walked around the hallways for a little bit [always with my mom because I felt nausceous a lot :/] and then by 9 oh clock that night I was home.
and then I went to sleep. Only to be woken up at 11 to take my meds which were to be taken every four hours for the antibiotics and every 8 hours for the pain killers.

first time in the hospital.
and first time getting surgery.

The two drainage tubes were taken out of me the day before i returned to school, May 12. I had missed 6 days of school. I was not to carry anything heavy. I couldn't walk that much. Getting the drainage tubes out was definately a strange sensation. They were about 2 feet if not longer. and.. omg. it was just such a strange feeling >.<

I'm going to sleep
this was my first update in awhile.