As if life could repeat itself for me, every year since 2005, I anticipated my return to that second home I so dearly cared about, and where I felt cared for. I continued going to TAF until 2008. Somewhere, sometime, in that time spent at TAF, something in me changed. I learned a lot about myself, I learned to grow as a person, as a Taiwanese American, but I also learned a lot about other people. In myself, I felt myself grow more deep as I would return back home after a week of heart-felt joy and excitement. Even with all the drama that boys and girls bring, somehow from 2005 to 2008, I found a reason to return to Manchester, Indiana every summer. In 2007, I remember this feeling in my gut, this doubt, maybe this TAFlove I felt so early on was fading away. Maybe like so many things I experienced, I was finally getting over TAF (think of Getting' Over by David Guetta). However, come May 2008, when it was time to register, I filled out the sheets and marked my calender.
Every year, I returned to TAF, not to restore friendships, but in hopes of learning more about myself, or to share with others what TAF did for me. Not saying the friends weren't a compliment to the experience, but I always felt that the friendships grew so strong for just that week, and then letting them go each year made them feel less than what they were worth. TAF '08 was my first year in Youth, oh the big leagues. Straight up, I didn't enjoy that year very much. I felt distant from everyone. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere, and for the most part, I enjoyed sitting alone, but was forced to surround myself with people. So, the isolation was mainly my fault. I saw all these happy eager faces around me, I felt them spill their hearts, but me, I felt like I couldn't share anything. It felt like I had no place being there. It was a terrible feeling, I still felt connected to TAF, but being there that year, I remember feeling more unconnected with myself. The following year I only went for the weekend program. Going back and seeing old and new faces for just three days made me feel like I had missed out on the entire week, yet in my heart, I still didn't feel much of a desire to return in the coming year (which would have been this year.) I guess, I still distanced myself from the people I returned to for 3 years that made me feel safe. I had changed. I know I had. It was the people that had crushed me into feeling like a person that I knew I wasn't.
Then this year, I didn't go to TAF. I couldn't, I was in Taiwan. I would not have changed anything, even if it meant enabling me to attend TAF's 30 year anniversary. Going to TAF this year didn't cross my mind because I still felt that I would have no reason going. (If I were to say a reason, it would simply be to rekindle past friendships and surround myself with some awesome people... but what about myself? I am less focused on the people I become friends with and more focused on me and who I want to be.) However, after the exciting and growing trip I experienced in Taiwan, along with the people I met, I came back to the States to the Facebook updates about TAF. That's when I realized, if possible, I wanted to go back. I feel like I learned a lot about myself while I was in Taiwan, it has helped me feel more stable about myself. I want to return to spread more love and life through people's hearts (if that's possible) and most of all, I can't wait for that mind-boggling feeling. :)
So for those of you that know what I'm talking about or have experienced something that in a short amount of time, changed your life, changed the way you think, something, this is what I'm getting at... why wouldn't you return to a place that has helped you grow to who you are and who you aspire to be?
Home is where the heart is, TAF is home.
Live forever young and forever with love.
*my wording in this may be lunatic. i'm tired. cut me some slack.
